Rev. Crystal's Full Moon Blessings

No Shoes, No Rights

2011-10-27T23:15:00.001-07:00

I try to focus on the great things, that makes me powerful in my job. I see kids that range from having very little to almost nothing. It is hard work, it is rewarding work but more than any of those, it is necessary work. I have met some of the most incredible people with the most incredible children that have survived things I only see in my nightmares. And yet they live....

Today was one of those days for me when I concentrate on the good in a sea of harshness. Two things happened that I want to reflect on. I went to the homecoming game for the middle school that I work for. It was incredible. The boys were on the court like professionals, in uniform and working as a team! From the outside you would not know that they were struggling, inner city kids that live in the hardest conditions in one of the hardest cities in the US. The team beat the other team 36 to 22. It was beautiful to watch and I was so proud to be a part of supporting hope to these kids.

In the rush and excitement of the game, I went to say hello to the kids on the team. It took me a couple of minutes after the kids came out of the huddle to realize what they were doing. The boys (excited and smiling) were taking off their shoes to return to others because they don't have their own basketball shoes. They were borrowing shoes to wear with their uniforms. It hurt my heart.

Such talent, such heart, such resilience.... such poverty, such disparity, such sadness.

After the game I was talking to one of my student. He was basically one of the MVP's of this game and was beaming. He wanted me to meet his mom and she was very pleasant. We all went outside and I heard my name in the distance, "Ms. Crystal!!" I turned around to see one of my old students from 3 years ago. She is now in the 11th grade. I hugged her, asked how she was and I truely felt joy in my heart!!

She tells me about her life and school and says, "that's my brother over there!". I looked over to see her speaking of my student that I was just referring to, the MVP. Right after she said that, the mother said, "yeah, that is my other kid". I was floored as this sunk in. I have been a counselor to both of these kids, siblings, in the last 3 years and never made the connection. How crazy is it to work in a community where I continue to treat siblings and the pain is so deep, so entrenched.

I hope to be around to support generations of kids coming through the doors of this community. I love that I have been a consistent face that they can come and see and I am still there. I am humbled that I have the chance to be that very person that has the trust of so many kids who struggle with trusting others. I am humbled.....

And while I was heart broken to see this student take off the shoes he had on after his winning game, his sister (my old student) was a reminder that there is still hope despite disparity and adversity. One day, he might just have the rights to own his own pair of shoes.

Embraced by Water, Released by Death

2011-09-11T00:10:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough two years for me that have been overwhelmed withvarious levels of grief and sadness. I do know that it is not justbeen a hard time for me but for many people who are dealing with theups and downs of life these past two years, it has been verychallenging.

My mother died in a tragic accident in January of 2010 and my auntjust died a bit over a week ago from a long battle with cancer. I amnot sure what lessons I continue to learn from the last several yearsbut I know that I am learning and growing through this process; it isa delicate balance though.

After nights back and fourth to the hospital and late nights, Idecided to go to the gym and release some of the pent up stress fromthe last several days. I had this moment in the locker room where Imade a last minute decision to go into the pool instead of run on thetreadmill. The pool is notoriously not my thing, so to speak, butthat night it felt important for me to just allow the water tocleanse me.

I stayed in the pool for about 40 minutes and then decided to go run. While changing I checked my phone and noticed a missed call from myother aunt and knew what news was awaiting me. Amazingly my auntpassed while I was floating in the water, within that 30-40 minutespan. Was this a gift from Yemaya? I think so.

I felt prepared when I got the call, felt a bit as if I had beenwashed of fear so that I could be ready for that very phone call andthat very moment. I felt warm still from the water, as if I wasreceiving a hug that was embracing me through this. I knew it wasShe.... I know her comfort and her ways.

While I think about all of the horrors of losing yet another personin my life, without the time to recover, I know that she is where sheneeds to be and I am as well. I have continued to hear and feelYemaya coming back to my life as a strong presence, she knew I wasn'tready yet and now I am.

Brings me to wonder how the Gods decide what we are ready to handleand how sometimes their presence seems so far away and others itfeels ever present. I have missed her from time to time and I amglad that she and I are reconnecting, like a distance relative thatis familiar and comforting.

And I know that she is working with my aunt on her transition andthat my mother is excited to have her friend with her. My aunt wastrying to tell me goodbye and I just couldn't hear it in that moment. She told me that it would be ok, no matter what happens, that Iwould be ok. I told her that I knew that to be true and she veryclearly looked me in the eyes and told me “I am excited to hang outwith CoCo”. It broke my heart but I knew it to be true. She andmy mom would be together again and I am grateful.

May Yemaya continue to grace them both with comfort andhappiness....... and me as well.

Blessed Be

Writings from 8/6/11 in route to SHF

2011-08-18T23:27:00.001-07:00

Sitting in a terminal in LAX for the next two and a half hours and thinking about all the wonders of the process that I am in right now. As my plane touched down in LA and we were navigating the roadways to get to the gate, I looked out of my window at all of the wonders that sat before me. The mist created a shadow onto everything that was on the ground and made the planes we passed look like the biggest of birds that were sitting for a rest on the ground.

The shapes of the planes, the mist, the flashing lights and sure size of the machinery that I was viewing and sitting on made me really think about the incredible wonder of our age and what we have come to take for granted here. I walk into a man made structure that is comprised of metal, wires, technology and steel wings, then I sit down and fly among the sky, above the clouds and into the lands that only the Gods naturally are able to soar.

I am amazed at how this happens and then we walk among one another on the ground and treat each other with no foresight into what great things we accomplish together as people. If only the world could acknowledge one another for his or her gifts and the collective intellectual and spiritual gifts we bring to this universe, we could not dishonor one another the way that we do.

All the thoughts of soaring above the worries of the mundane world became ever present in my mind when I looked down at the world beneath me and was reminded of how much bigger the world compared to the bills, common dissension, job woes, relationship mishaps and personal insecurities. While we become encapsulated into our own worlds of deficit thinking and pain, we are missing so much beauty in the world and the knowing that we are a part of something much bigger than ourselves.

So, I await the next flight here at terminal 6 and wonder if I will be able to stay in the present moment enough to let my own problems become just situations that I will overcome because in the moment, there are no problems that need to be solved. This very moment is the only thing that is real.

May everyone find their moment right now, acknowledge the sheer power and wonder of the human capacity to create and grow, and work your way towards being a part of collective healing and togetherness.

Embracing our importance

2011-07-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

I have found that life continues to move forward whether we will it to or not. It is the human nature to think that removing one person from the equation would be a pause where life would stop for that moment. Reality is that it doesn't stop and we have to evaluate our importance in any given situation along the way.

When we have the opportunity to reassess our priorities and where we place them in our lives, it is a chance to choose those things that we previously might have missed or overlooked. It is essential that we always remember that every moment we are alive gives us the chance to evaluate and choose what path or road we are going to take. It doesn't matter how far down the road you have already gone, you can turn around or do a detour.

So in light of several experiences this week and the death of a pop star to the overdose of drugs.... it just reaffirms that we make our choices, we have a chance to change them along the way and we ultimately will be responsible for the outcomes if we choose to ignore the open doors that are presented to us. Whether those open doors are extra time to be with loved ones, a chance to be happier in life, some special time with your children, making time to meditate or ...... fighting for your sobriety...... in the end, life will go on without us and we have a choice to choose our fate all the time, every moment we are alive.

May we all choose wisely.
Blessed Be

An Unexpected Break with Co-Workers and Friends

2011-06-25T20:15:00.001-07:00

I wrote this on my retreat with coworkers a bit over a week ago, just now ready to share.

.........Often times life is about being able to capitalize on the many different opportunities that randomly present themselves and today I am going to do just that. After a really challenging school year full of tears, laughter, confusion and trauma, I am heading to a overnight retreat in Sonoma with the school site staff. There are many things I am not able to do because of finances, kid obligations or even time. When the opportunity cea for an overnight get away, I am learning to take it and make it valuable for me.

The weather is nice and the sun is shining here in Sonoma. It feels like a whole different world that is not filled with chaos, busyness and expectations.

What I like about some of the things that I am experiencing what many people don't understand and the many sacrifices that are made to support the lives of others is exhausting and yet rewarding at the same time. I have been honored to work with some of the most fabulous people in the world and I have appreciated every moment of it.

Anthology, Contracts and Birthdays

2011-06-05T23:47:00.001-07:00

It has been an interesting last couple of weeks. While some things are getting easier and seem to be on track, others continue to be increasingly complicated. I have had the pleasure of turning in the manuscript for the Shades of Faith Anthology and have already gotten the copy editing sent back to me and returned. I am now waiting for the cover to be completed and whatever other ends need to be tied before I am looking at a release date. I am very excited about seeing it in print finally.... it has been a long time coming, with lots of work and coordination.

Two major contractual things have happened in the last few weeks and I am signing away here. We went to court last week and we have finally signed the papers for guardianship for our grandson. We are now officially responsible to raise him until he is 18....

The second one was the contract from the Sacred Harvest Festival in Minnesota, the contract arrived and I have been reviewing it this weekend. I plan to sign it and send it in Monday or Tuesday. I am very nervous about it since it will be the first time I have flown to another state to give workshops and be considered the "honored guest". I am so excited about the opportunity and know that it will be a pivotal moment in realizing the gifts that the Goddess has ahead of me. I am trying to hold a space where I can move forward in accepting the grown I am going through and also trying not to get discouraged by the new family obligations I have now.

I will also be doing a workshop in the Fresno Pagan Pride festival and will be preparing for that. As things get busy, I will be balancing a even more complicated walk but do so in service to the mother.

And finally, I turned 35 on the 28th of May and it was a decent day. I felt good in my spirit and was feeling some optimism. I miss my mother greatly and thought of her during the week more than usual. I wonder what she would have done if she were here and how she would always look for the wordiest card and then only sign her name. I am coming to realize more and more that I will mourn her every day for the rest of my life... hopefully I will slowly fill the voids so that I may find other ways to feel whole again.

many blessings of love and honor. ...

Bee Happy

2011-05-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know, I got into a car accident last year the day before my birthday, when a bee flew into my window and landed on my leg. And those who know me know that I don't do well around bugs. It is not my think at all.

So today was an interesting day that ultimately pushed me to look at the symbolism of bees and why I would see two in the same day and in weird circumstances. On my way to the bank there was a bee on my bumper. I (of course) being a little frightened, jumped in the car and took off. I figured it would fly away when the car moved and so I didn't worry about it anymore.

After coming home from the bank, I got out the car and walked towards the house only to find that the bee was in the same position.... on the bumper of the car. (YIKES!)

Fast forward to hours later, while at a family members house, and we were all hanging out at a going away party. We took the kids into the house to eat and about 10 minutes after being at the table, the same type of bee started flying around the dinning room light. Doubles YIKES

So on the way home I thought, "I have to think about what the bees were telling me". So, I am going to invest in being happy and acknowledge how all things are connected. I need to enjoy what I do, find happiness in all situations and let it into my life on a more consistent basis. Life is sweet, even when it stings and life will remain the substance and goodness of our reward for our hard work.

So I am going to concentrate on that this month. Not only is it the events of today but also a year ago this month that a bee tried to give me a lesson. I couldn't hear it last year, things were too fresh from my mom's death. This year I am ready to listen a little more.

And hopefully, since I got the message, the universe will not send me anymore right now..... (shivers)
Blessed Be!

New relationships with money

2011-04-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

I went to my session today with the hypnotherapist and we set our whole session to be on my relationship with money and feeling as if I would never have enough. Interestingly I had to look at some of the past images and beliefs that helped to shape my understanding of what is possible and what is not. I think there are a lot of cultural images and personal images that have helped to shape my relationships with money as well.

Interestingly I could not always come up with specific examples of discussing money in my childhood, or memories around childhood. I think a lot of that was because my mother did not talk about money and we just new that we didn't have any. She didn't have to say anything and the responsibility was on me as a child to prioritize the importance of the things I wanted.

So as an adult, I find I am discouraged around the incredible amounts of money that is required to raise a family. How do you have hope for the future stability of money when you have to spend upwards of 2,100 a month for childcare without support? This is what we have been paying since my mother died and it is hard. What we discussed is opening up the possibility of having money by changing my limited beliefs around my relationship with money and what I feel is possible.

So, the next steps for me will be around balance, dreams and believes. I am going to do some fundamental things around balance.... like sleep. I will start to work on getting more than 5 hours of sleep a night and structuring things better so that Sissy can sleep through the night. When I have more sleep, I am more optimistic and am not calling for things that will reinforce my limited beliefs around sacrifice. I will redefine what my dreams look like, especially when it comes to having money and doing things that require money. And third I will continue to work on my limited beliefs and try to see myself with what we need so that I can continue to provide for all the children.

More to come.

Exciting opportunity on Pagan's tonight show Saturday

2011-03-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

After a wonderful Ostara ritual and time with the coven, I was sitting at home with the hubbie and trying to decide what to do. I posted such on facebook and the National First Officer of Covenant of the Goddess (and my friend) Peter Dybing posted commented and told me to listed to the Pagan's tonight show because they were doing a telethon for the Pagan Japan Relief. I tuned in to the show and listened while sitting on the couch and watching the kiddos.

While listening, I hear Peter mention my book and some of the community aspects of what I talk about. Funny enough, right before this I had asked the chat room how to call in. After Peter mentioned me and the book, the guests started telling me to call in. So I took my super nervous butt into the bedroom and called into the show.

I got the chance, for the first time, to talk on a live radio show about my book and have people want to hear what I was saying. Incredible feeling and very humbling at the same time. I realized in that moment that all the opportunities I have wanted to bring into fruition are coming to the surface and it is scary and exciting at the same time. I am honored to be able to create such supportive relationships with others who belief in my work and are being a voice for me in the community. It is all a bit overwhelming at times.

Tomorrow I am recording an interview with Modern Witch Podcast and next Wednesday I will be on the Sacred Feminine radio show on blog talk radio. This is truly incredible.

I will post as things are released. You can get the episode of Pagan's Tonight on itunes or at the website www.paganstonight.com. It is the episode with the Pagan Japan Relief/Doctor's without Borders episode. I am at the end of the second hour at the very beginning of the third hour.

I recognize the words of the Goddess as she lays the path before me and I am walking it.
Blessed Be....

Pagan Japan Relief

2011-03-19T23:55:00.000-07:00

Signs from the Universe

2011-03-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

I truly believe that there are no such things as coincidences and that all things happen as they are suppose to. Although I have a hard time applying this theory to my mothers death, I do usually apply that to most of the events that happen in life. One day I am sure I will be able to see that as it applies to her as well.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I reached my 11 year anniversary at my current place of employment and it felt strangely unfulfilling to me. I went into the office and three things happened that pointed my attention to the fact that the universe was pointing me in a direction that I needed to pay some attention to.

I reconnected with a acquaintance from about 5 years ago and she spoke with me about putting in a proposal to come to convocation next year. After some discussion, it appears as if it might be doable and this has been something I have been wanting to do for a while. This was very exciting to me and felt like a break in a path that I have been trying to manifest.

After that a coworker, who is a hypnotherapist, informed me that she is going part time at her corporate job and has these wonderful things manifest in her hypnotherapy business. So inspiring that someone gets to manifest their work in those ways and make it all happen!

I then got a phone call from an old tarot client, from about 3 years ago or so. She called wanting to reconnect and get a reading done....

And then while I was waiting for Rob in class, I saw on facebook that the new Circle Magazine is out and I clicked on the link to see the table of contents. I was published again and once again I didn't remember submitting to the magazine.

And with all of these interesting things happening in one day..... it leaves me wondering where I am going and what the universe is trying to tell me. I am listening......

Great community support and write ups

2011-03-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

I have continued to be very excited and amazed at all the incredible response I am getting post Pcon, including the write ups that are being published. I thought it would be great to list everything that I could find so that it is accessible for anyone (including myself) who might be interested in reading the reactions that are out there.

http://doingmagick.blogspot.com/2011/02/roberts-review-of-pantheacon-2011.html

http://pncminnesota.wordpress.com/2011/03/02/pantheacon-thoughts-walking-your-talk/

http://www.thorncoyle.com/musings/?p=984&cpage=1#comment-6279

http://www.pagandad.com/2011/02/bridging-gap-by-crystal-blanton-review.html

Special Pcon thanks.....

2011-02-25T22:34:00.001-08:00

There are so many wonderful people I got to meet or spend some measure of time with at Pantheacon. Every year I feel like I meet great people but this year is different because it was around a lot of networking and quality discussions... not just a chance hello or introduction. Of some of the people that I got to meet, I would like to give a shout out to some that really stuck out to me; Peter Dybing, Star Foster, Jason Pitzl-Waters, T. Thorn Coyle, Luisha Teish, Starhawk and other great people.

I also enjoyed my conversations with Don Frew, Anna Korn, Rabbit, Gwen, Jennifer and Amory, Rachel and many others. Thank you everyone for making this such a milestone event in my career and in my healing. Last years Con was full of sadness and walking around in a daze after my mothers memorial a week earlier. This year I was present and have many memories to help sustain me. And I am so lucky to be able to share year after year of Cons with my coven sisters and friends.

Pantheacon Part 2

2011-02-23T21:13:00.000-08:00

Late night, early morning; up at 7ish to prepare for my 9am. With about 4 hours of sleep, I got up and got dressed in my professional garb. The seminar went well and it generated great discussions about Witch Wars, leadership and sustainability. I enjoyed the seminar and was very pleased by the book sales from the seminar.

After the seminar I spent time shopping, volunteering time at the charity auction, bidding on items in the auction, a book signing in the vendor room and spending time with my friends and family. Jon decided to stay another night and we spent time hanging out and going to see Pandemoneom perform for a bit. We spent time laughing and hanging out with our friends in the hotel. It was so wonderful to just be able to be present in that space and not worry about the demands of the world around us.

The next morning I got up early and went to the Pagan Newswire Collective seminar. I am very excited about the opportunity to have media that is Pagan centered and what we might be able to build with those resources at our fingertips. Wonderful things are happening! In addition, I got to meet Star Foster and Jason Pitzl-Waters. Very exciting stuff and incredibly awesome people. I think Jason is a wonderful speaker and very professional in his delivery of information. Star is vibrant, beautiful and fun. I thought she had such great energy and it felt like we were old friends. I look forward to building connections and friendships with both of these great people!

After the seminar I went for my book signing slot, then ate lunch with Jon and hung out in the hotel room. When it was time to say goodbye to Jon, I had a hard time. We had so much fun together and much needed bonding time. After that I went back to shopping, spending time with friends, and hanging out in the live charity auction. Amber K and Azriel were the auction presenters and Amber K is hilarious!!

We were quite successful at the auction and Kat is the master bidder! She won a sword, harp and kilt. Talk about a good time!!

The night ended with a Morrighan ritual done by T. Thorn Coyle and Sharon Knight. Then off to see Haggis Revenge..... that is a whole other blog in and of itself.

More to come!

Pantheacon part 1

2011-02-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

There are so many exciting and fun things from Pantheacon this year that I will probably break it up into several posts so that I have a chance to really process all the moments and things that happened. I had a blast! Let me first start with saying that and that I met some incredible people and got valuable feedback this year on my presentations and book. Although it is always scary to write, present and put yourself out there in the public eye; it is a great experience to know that what I am doing can support others in some small ways. That is the reason that I have always wanted to do this, not because I want the name or recognition (although recognition is nice), it is because I want to be able to support our community in learning what we need to continue to create healthy and productive dynamics with others. I have been that person coming into the Pagan community and was taken advantage of and hurt. I have seen others hurt and have hurt others without realizing the ramifications of my actions. For all of those reasons, I am honored to be able to do this work and write about it for others.

I arrived at the Con on Friday about 12 and we checked in with little lines and got to our rooms to settle in. After a small hotel room assignment mix up, we were on our way and I was excited to finally be at the event that I look forward to all year long. My first seminar was at the 3:30 time slot and I thought that it would be a small crowd since people are just arriving and some are still working at that time. To my surprise, the room was packed! Thank goodness my husband, friends and other awesome people helped to put out more chairs and support the process. I was so surprised by the amount of people that I became a little flushed and overwhelmed. LOL!

The workshop (circle restore; Restorative practices in covens and circles) went very well and it seemed that people were interested, engaged and could relate to the issues at hand within the community. This was exciting for me since it was validated to confirm that the lack of conflict resolution methods and training in our community has led to such hurtful situations all around. Everyone participated and I got some great feedback. I sold some books and it felt as if there was a nice buzz around the types of concepts we could extend into our community.

For the first time, I got to meet Peter Dybing (National First Officer of Covenant of the Goddess) in the workshop. Peter reached out to me a couple of months ago after buying my book and has been such as awesome supporter for me since then. He attended the workshop and was able to give me some constructive feedback to support making it even better. (Thanks Peter!)

It was wonderful to have my friends and Jon there at the workshop to support me. I felt great about the experience, even though I was so nervous I was sweating. :)

After the workshop, I got to hang out with everyone, shop in the vendor area, eat dinner with the hubbie and go to the Pomba Gira (I waited all year for this). We dressed up and went dancing for an hour. My husband had such a great experience in the Pomba that I spent a lot of time trying to keep him on this side of the plane instead of being ridden all the way by the Umbanda Gods for the first time. He loved it and I loved seeing him so engaged in the spiritual aspect of himself. Pcon has a way of doing that for people.

After Pomba, we went to the room, hung out and spent some quality time nursing our feet after almost 2 hours of dancing. I loved every minute of it.

That was the first day of a wonderful 4 day weekend experience. More to come.

Finding Spirit in the Tough Times

2011-02-07T21:06:00.000-08:00

The last year changed life for me and the family dramatically. The new year has brought a lot of beautiful things along with some sad moments of realization, understanding and facing of mortality once again. While there continues to be a lot of adjustment on the parts of almost everyone in our home, there is still a lot to do in the area of healing and adjusting to all the changes that have happened in our lives over the last year and a half.

A year ago my mother died and this past week I have gone to the hospital twice to visit my aunt. She was in remission from breast cancer and it has returned. In addition, she is very sick with other issues that are even more pressing than the cancer and the doctors are battling several issues at once.

I won't go into all the gruesome details of my feelings and the reminders of sitting in the hospital with my mother. Instead I will say that it is a wake up call that the ebb and flow of life's trials are constant and it is not about being able to stay at one place in life for long. Change is the only constant, right?

I have been working hard at coming back to my spiritual self over the last year and have made great strides in the past several months. Hypnotherapy is one of the things that has really pushed me beyond the limits that I set myself within. Once again I am looking at my aunt and thinking that I must prepare to fall back into the faith that I have been rebuilding. The Gods are guiding me in learning how to love, live and let go. Some of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn.

So while I am considering what it means to hope you are not looking at the end of someone you love, I am also putting my faith in overdrive and pushing forward. I know it is important for me to be present in this process with her and although it is a harsh reminder of the memory of my mother dying, it is also a honor to be there and sharing love when I can.

Finding spirit in the tough times can be one of the biggest and most difficult challenges there are but ones that can also propel us towards understanding things on a whole different level of spiritual connection.

Imbloc Blessings

2011-01-30T21:15:00.000-08:00

This weekend marked the one year anniversary of my mother's tragic death and it was a relatively good weekend. I did not think it would be but I am coming to remember some of the deeply spiritual things that I use to love about this time of year and I am trying to infuse them together with the memories of what I have lost. I have been working a lot with the hypnotherapist around removing blockages and not allowing those old memories to taint the hope that I once carried so firmly. It is working and little by little I am feeling more myself and more able to belief in the power of my own manifestation again.

So this weekend I celebrated the turning wheel of Imbolc by going to the gym and being present in the needs of my body. Three days in a row at the gym was very uplifting and I feel great! I have stopped smoking and tomorrow will make one week. Thanks to Jenny (the hypnotherapist) planting the seed in my head that it would be a great present to my mother on her death anniversary.... it stuck and took hold. I feel good about it and it is one more thing I am letting go of that is a result of her accident. I started smoking again when she was in the hospital. It was one of the only vices I had to take care of myself while dealing with the horrific situation.

I spent some time with a witchy friend and reconnected with her over coffee. It was wonderful. I have spent some time taking care of business at home and preparing for Pantheacon. All things I needed to do for one reason or another.

So, with this turn of the wheel and the creeping energy of the sun peeking through, I chose to enjoy my weekend the best I could and honor the Gods for giving me another year to remember my mother with. I know that if I continue to honor her in her life with me then she will truly live forever; as do the Gods and the ancestors.

May your Imbolc be blessed and filled with the knowledge that the dark half is ending and the light will once again return.

Welcoming the full moon and a weekend of relaxation

2011-01-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a chain of events will lead to what feels like moments of chaos and unexpected series of events. That is what this week has been for me. With the combination of coping withtje anniversary of my mom's accident, dealing with sick kids, huge decisions and a stressful week at work, I am more than ready for a week of calming energy ti help rejuevinate the soul. While 2011 is going in the right direction to bring closure to the hos of last year, it is weeks like this that serve as reminders of what was almost all of last year.

I'm the new year I have made it a conscious decision to acknowledge that I am grateful those days are done and hopeful that when periods like this do happen, I know it is just a moment. I have been doing a lot of internal work to recharge the batteries that became so drained from the emotional demands of last year and those are the things I want to continue to be grateful for. Today I feel like I have some direction again and even though it is not all the way clear, I have some ideas as to where I am going.

Redefining a dream for myself has been one of the biggest challenges I have struggled with, my old dream depended on having my mom here and freedoms I no longer have. With that, it has been hard to see the visual but it is getting a little easier now.

So this weekend I am focusing on decluttering the last week from my energy, planning next moves and staying in a state of mindful gratefullness so that I cam be in a place for manifestation. And just maybe the full moon will support my weekend journey.

New Years, Second session and Berkano Babes

2011-01-02T23:10:00.001-08:00

This has been an overall good weekend. I was able to spend some time at the movies with the hubbie on Friday and going out to lunch since we had daycare. It was nice to get out and be just adults. Friday night (new Years eve) we stayed at home and drank sparkling cider with the kids and my two nephews. Jon, Robbie and I did our little new year prayer for peace and happiness in the new year and then we lit candles.

Saturday morning I got up and went to my second hypnotherapy/NLP session with Jenny Knowles to work on releasing, opening up to new information and finding balance. It was a good session. We did a technique that I have never done before (although I have heard of it) called Emotional Freedom Technique or "tapping". I liked this although it was uncomfortable at times and hard to deal with because part of this was getting into the emotional state that I struggle with and then use this technique to support breaking of patterns. Wow, that was powerful and emotional. A lot of work was done around feeling the helplessness from what has happened in the last year.

Amazingly I was able to support my son with using the tapping techniques later that night when he got pretty emotional thinking about my mother. It seemed to help both of us.

The end of New Years day ended with tarot readings and laughs with my friends in the Berkano Babes group. We ate chinese food, home made cupcakes and did tarot readings for hours.

Interestingly I got a very clear message in both of the events throughout the day (hypnotherapy/NLP and tarot) was that I need to allow myself to be in the moment and not worry about fixing things in the future. Using resources that I have right now is important and more productive than the pressure of finding solutions to all that is happening. So I am taking this into the new year and working on being in today.

I am entering the new year with some hope and openness of what is to come.

P.S. I would like to give an honest referral to those who might be looking for a way to change old patterns, support new and positive thoughts and open the way to manifestation and goals. Jenny Knowles is the hypnotherapist that I have been seeing and she is very good. I recommend her with high enthusiasum. She is honest, open, empathetic and has a great gift for supporting the discovery of what the client wants and needs instead of inserting what her goals might be. Her website is http://effectivehealinghypnosis.com/.

Happy New year everyone.

Blessed Be

Hypnotherapy, new hope and standing with my mother again

2010-12-27T00:20:00.001-08:00

I went today to get my first session of hypnosis and NLP (neuro linguistic programming) after much consideration and thought. I have looked into hypnotherapy a couple of times, starting about two years ago. What better time to do it than when things are at the most overwhelming and I have had so many things that I am working to overcome within the last year of chaos and upset.

I didn't know what to expect and was a little skeptical but I have trust with the person that I was going to and know that she also knows my situation. I have a level of trust with her that she would not use me to do something that was not effective, just to make some money. She wouldn't use me that way.

So I went to her office, went through the motions of idenitfying some of the things I am dealing with and talking about some of the dreams that I have feel have been stifled by the current chain of events that have been 2010. I sat in her special chair, allowed her to take me into trance and work some magic. Magic is what it truly is and I had several experiences that I still cannot describe or wrap my head around yet. I know that I had several interesting experiences, one of which connected me to my mother and felt very rewarding. One of the many times she "dunked" me under, I went to my place of healing and it is this very comfortable place where I was sitting on a white bench on green grass with flowers all around. There were no buildings or additional distractions, just greenery, flowers and lots of open blue sky. I went to this place in one of my times of going under but it was the next time that was really significant.

When I went under the next time and she took me to this place, she asked me to describe my healing place and I did. She asked me if there were any animals and of course there was not. She then asked me if there were any trees and I remember telling her "there were not until you asked me that". When she asked me, a tall and beautiful redwood tree sprang up by my bench and brought me to tears while under hypnosis. For those who do not know, my mother loved redwood trees. The first time we went to the redwoods together at Muir Woods, she feel in love with the beauty and serenity of the redwood forests. It was something we shared together.

We went together again and she bought things to remind her of the trees including incense, oils and even bookmarks. The redwoods represent her to me so when the tree came up, there was no doubt to me that it was her in my healing place. On the next time under hypnosis, she was there again and when it was time for me to listen for her messages, a thick fog came over me and I was not able to see the healing place clearly. The fog would come and go, giving me small glimpses of my special place, and giving me a clear message that I have been living in a fog that has blocked me from seeing what I need to see. The hypnotherapist told me afterwards that most people don't know they are walking in a fog, so this was progress for me to see exactly what is happening in my life and bringing it to my conscious mind.

I walked out of this session feeling strangely lighter and clearer than I have in a long while. Although I don't know all the ways that this will begin to effect my life, I know that it was one of the best things I could have done to give me a chance to clear the path for growth, clear the fog I have been living in, bring me closer to healing and to my mother and start again with manifesting my desires.

I am very excited to go to the next session and continue on this new found path. I don't know all the places that it will lead but I know it is going to help bring me back to me and to who I want to be. Thank you to my new hypnotherapist for knowing that I had secrets to unlock that will lead me back to success and for making it possible in many ways.

I will keep everyone posted on these developments as they unfold and as I grow closer to beauty.

Blessed Be

New Years Resolutions and the likes

2010-12-25T21:56:00.001-08:00

I am not a huge around the thought of new years resolutions and wanting to be something different at the beginning of the year. I have the usual thought that people use that one point in the year to be different than they are instead of working all year at making necessary changes. This year I have the same beliefs and do not feel that I need the new year in order to make some decisions about myself. Instead I would like to enter the new year of 2011 with a clean slate, leaving behind some of the things from 2010 that it is time to release and move beyond.

Often people carry around the baggage that accumulates from events and carry them around everyday, weighing them down and tiring them out. This is something we talk about in rehab counseling all the time, finding a way to identify old baggage and then giving yourself permission to let it go. This is something I am very familiar with, not just from saying it to others but from living this in my personal life. I have always had the type of personality that thinks about things until I have processed it and then am able to start the process of release. This is not a pattern that I developed this year, but one that I have had for as long as I can remember.

So moving into 2011 is very important to me because it is another step towards the releasing of multiple layers of grief throughout the year and making a decision to not take it with me. That is very scary because it means that I am stepping into another unknown layer of my life. I know that the multiple stages of grief are not done and that is not something that can be controlled in that way but it does mean that I starting fresh knowing that the last year is taking me towards something I might not understand but a knowing that something is coming. By releasing I am opening myself to new experiences, new people and new opportunities to love and find love in the world.

As with Iyanla Vanzant's book In the Meantime, not all things or all people are meant to last in your life. These things are but stepping stones to different levels of living, whether the experience is good or bad. "When you are not happy where you are, and you are not quite sure if you want to leave or how to leave, you are in the meantime. Its a state of limbo. You are hanging on, ready to let go, afraid to fall, not wanting to hurt yourself, afraid you will hurt someone else. In the meantime, you pray the other person will let go first so that you will not feel guilty." - Iyalna Vanzant - In the Meantime.

I think that quote says it all. I know what my mom would want from me. She would want me to stay solid in who I am and in being proud of that. She would want me to be the best mother I can possibly be. She would tell me to love myself and say fuck it to those who are not with me. She would tell me to focus on being happy and whole, not allowing life or anyone to get me down.

So it is not a new years resolution, something I start on a day and then don't follow through with, like so many others. It is a reminder that the next phase has begun and the rest is now the past.... one of purpose and lessons but one that is now gone away.

Crazy year coming to a close

2010-12-22T23:41:00.000-08:00

I am excited for the end of 2009. I look back at this year and see total overhaul from the previous year and all the goals I set for myself were suddenly changed. While most of my goals last year revolved around completing my book and finding success in that accomplishment, at the end of 2010 most of my goals revolve around finding some level of peace and serenity. The addition of two children and the loss of my mom has changed life as I know it and the family is finding ways to settle into the new course we have been set on.

I never considered life without my mom, it was the unimaginable task and yet today I find I am living it. Although it doesn't feel real at times, I know that I am going through the stages of loss and contemplating who I am without her now. I remember saying to one of my therapist friends at work that I wanted to go back to being who I use to be and he told me something that was told to him by a therapist when he was dealing with grief. He told me that I was not that person anymore because that person had a mother. I know what that means today.

So, I have survived one of the most rewarding and horrific years of my life. I have written, completed and saw my book be published; a dream I have had for a long time. And I have also suffered a loss that was so heartbreaking and traumatizing for everyone in my family. As I move into 2011 I am working hard to hold on to all those things I love about this year and allow the universe to cleanse the rest. I hold on hard to the memory of my mother as well, the good ones, the ones she would want me to remember and not the images that I saw from the last two weeks of her life.

Maybe if I can do this then I can pull the rest of the family along to a place of healing that continues into 2011. That is the plan and the goal.

As the growing light of the sun creeps into longer days, it is the reminder that darkness and light exist because of each other. One does not exist without the other. So I will use the darkness to shed light on how grateful I am for the many blessings that I have and for the ones that have not come yet.

Blessed Yule, Solstice and New Years to everyone. May your dark times shed a beautiful light that illuminates everything that is wonderful in the world.

Thanksgiving and trying to be thankful

2010-11-25T09:59:00.001-08:00

Today's Thanksgiving and this is a huge day for the family. We have not yet figured out how this is going to work for us but we know that today would've been the day that we celebrated with my mom and the whole family, like we had every other year.

John and I have been working on trying to figure out recipes for Thanksgiving dinner, since my mom was the one who usually did the turkey and the dressing and the greens. Although the mood is a little sad, we are actually doing okay. I know that today my mom is with us and she would want us to have fun.

Today I am choosing to be thankful, to celebrate those things and traditions that we have is a family, and gaining excitement for some of the new traditions we have yet to create.

Here's to wishing everybody a joyous Thanksgiving day. May you be blessed on the day with creating new memories with your family and celebrating those from the old.

Blessed be.

Third Annual People of the Earth Gathering

2010-11-06T15:21:00.001-07:00

Saturday, November 20, 2010

10:00 am to 4:00 pm

Interfaith Center of the Presidio

A gathering of peoples who practice Neopagan traditions, Afro-diasporic traditions, immigrant Pagan traditions, and Indigenous spiritual traditions from the Americas and around the world.

Keynote speaker Alejandrino Quispe Mejia is a native Quechua living in Peru. He is Director of the Global Indigenous Initiative, an association of 14 tribes in Latin America working together to preserve native traditions. In addition to being a wonderful opportunity for building relationships between all the Earth religions, the event will include a sharing of practices used in the many traditions to bless a space.

Lunch provided, $10-20 donation requested to cover costs. Co-sponsored by the Interfaith Center of the Presidio, the Lost & Endangered Religions Project, the Spirituality & the Earth CC of the United Religions Initiative, and the Northern California Local Council of the Covenant of the Goddess. For more information & to register, contact Don at earthreligions@ancientways.com or (510) 524-2078.

Book, Samhain and mama's bday

2010-10-30T23:02:00.001-07:00

The title is a direct reflection of the ups and downs of the past week. While some things are wonderful, some things are hard and those things take a toll. I got the copies of my book this week that that was very exciting! It is a trip to see your own book in its physical form, hold it and fan through the pages. It feels like it became real when i got to hold the book, even though it still doesn't totally feel real. I don't know when it will feel totally real but maybe it shouldn't feel too real, it will motivate me to continue to write.

Samhain was wonderful! I had a great time with the sisters of the coven. we had a wonderful meal (compliments of my hubbie), we had a great ritual and genuinely spent some quality time together. Jon put together the bonfire and we had a live fire on the patio and circled around that. We had a really good (homemade) vegetarian spaghetti with whole wheat noodles, tri-tip, garlic bread, brownies, pumpkin/chocolate chip muffins, witch hat cakes, Kat's homemade pumpkin juice and apple pomergranite sparkling cider.Yum!!

My mother's message to me tonight was around me turning into her and I feel like I am. I am sewing, doing lots of crafts, cleaning, cooking and being super mom. She mentioned (in her message tonight) that I would not be able to do her fried chicken though. Thanks Mom!

I miss her so much. Tomorrow is her birthday and I am trying to stay in the present moment and not allow my grief to run too much. She would want me to celebrate and not sit around sad on her bday. So we have lots of things planned, fun to be had and I will honor her tomorrow. I know she is alright, I felt it in ritual tonight. I may not understand why she had to go, especially like she did, but I will continue to live as she would have wanted me to.

May your Samhain blessings be plentiful and may your witchy new year be full of promise, insight, happiness and hope.

Blessed Samhain,

Blessed Be.

Crystal

And the book is out!

2010-09-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

The book is listed on the website and appears to be ready to order. This is an exciting moment for me and I am so glad to share it with everyone else. I have been working on this book since 2008 and more concentrated in 2009 and 2010. This was one of the things my mother really wanted to see..... me achieve this goal.

It is done Mom.... wish you were here to see it.

http://www.immanion-press.com/info/book.asp?id=399&referer=Hp

A long time due

2010-08-29T23:00:00.001-07:00

It has been months. I have taken some time to try and figure out where things in my life are headed and I still do not have a lot of the answers. I do know more than I did before though and I am just beginning to see some of the light at the end of the tunnel; or should I say within the process of grief. Step by step I am trying to find peace in life when so much has been lost in the last 8 months.

I do not plan to write a sad blog as the update but I do think it is important for me to point out the incredible fog I am coming out of and trying to find my feet. The book is coming a long, a much longer process than I previously anticipated but the editing is complete, copy editing is done, the front cover is designed, the back info on the cover is done and now just the binding and back cover design. After that, the book is off to print.

I am still working on the anthology and have not gotten as much response as I would have liked but am still outreaching for writers and people to get involved.

the family is getting a little better. Robert started grief counseling and Bubba has started school with a special needs program for psychological issues. Kevin started his senior year and is playing football. Jon has lost over 50 pounds and has gone down 6 inches in his pants size.

School is going well, I have started statistics and a class on social problems. I am in my junior year of school and it is going as well as can be expected. I am looking forward to completing this degree so I can move on to the next.

I have gotten back into a little bit of a routine with doing ritual, especially at home solitary. I am getting back into the swing of connecting with the universe in spiritual ways. I am looking at taking a new local student on and figuring out how to move forward with life both mundane and spiritual.

I am looking forward to finding some more peace in all the chaos of this year and have a bit of hope right now. I hope that I can stretch that into a larger chunk of the day.... day after day.... one day at a time.

May you all be blessed and I promise not to wait to long next time.

My WICKED birthday weekend

2010-05-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

I really needed this four day weekend. It was really special and awesome. Friday Jon and I spent some quality time with just Robert, went to Fuddruckers for lunch and took Robert to see the new Shrek. We had a blast and he felt really special and he should because he is. It was a wonderful present.... but it didn't stop there.

My husband spent a lot of time planning the perfect birthday for me, he did a great job! Saturday we woke up early, finished doing some cleaning and set off for our adventure. We went to Emeryville, did some shopping, ate lunch and then checked into the hotel. We chilled and had some great conversation prior to getting ready for taking BART to the city. We got there with about 20 minutes to spare and took a host of pics outside of the theatre. The play was absolutley outstanding and both of us were completely amazed. After the play we grabbed some food and went back to the hotel for a night of relaxation and fun.

The next morning we hung out in the hotel and then went to lunch at Chevy's. We had some really good conversation and spent our time talking about the future planning for the family. After lunch we went to go see Date Night at the movies prior to driving home.

It was really nice to get away and have a weekend focused on what we wanted to do. It was much needed and something we so needed to do to sustain our relationship. Not to imply that we are bad because we are not, but so much focus has gone on everyone else that we have neglected ourselves in this process.

There are a lot of things that we both know we have to do to keep our mental health in all of the chaos of 2010 and one of those things include finding time for just us. This was a valuable lesson and one I plan on making sure we can do.

Jon and I have taken on a lot of responsibility in the last months and while others play we are always working to either pay the bills or raise this family. What I remembered this weekend is that this incredible journey we have been left to pick up the pieces from entitles us to more of a break than those who have the fun without the responsibility.

Our family deserves parents and guardians who are happy and that is my mission to make it so. And in the words of Wicked.....

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Difficult people at work and a random tarot card

2010-05-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes work sucks and people suck more. Interesting to me how people can take hard work as a sign of something personal against them, I will never understand that. The reoccuring ridiculousness I have dealt with at work for the last three years resurfaced this week from what seems like nothing and yet I am so tired of dealing with it. My story is not unlike others who love their jobs and yet have to deal with people who don't have the job or the others around them best interest at hand. I left work on Friday discouraged, depressed, upset, irate and frustrated. I work way to hard for that.

So Saturday at the Pagan Festival in Berkeley I attempted to shed the bullshit from the day before and have a nice day out in the sun among my spiritual people. It was nice to be out and walking around, listening to the music, seeing the people and enjoying the sights. Randomly a lady walked up to me and said, "wanna pick a tarot?". I hesitated at first but thought, "why not".

I picked out a card and she took it from my hands and smiled. She said to me that I had picked the five of swords. She discussed the battle I am dealing with where people around me seem to be going out of their way to create problems. She talked about how part of the problem is that I am right and they KNOW I am right. She discussed how I might have to just take that and know that while also trying to help them save face by basically throwing my hands up. It made so much sense. I wish I could remember everything else she said, it was right on target.

With that being said, I think I now have some more insight into how I am going to proceed with this roadblock. Thank the Gods for the lady in white with the little wider waite tarot deck.

Updates and achievements

2010-04-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

Things are hard and will be for a long time with the grief we are coping with. Things don't always feel right and most of the time they don't. So one of the things I am trying to do is celebrate the great things since the bad things have felt so all encompassing lately.

I am very excited about finishing my article for the Pagan Writers Press call for submissions for an upcoming anthology. I am excited about submitting and hoping it will be accepted.

I got my eye's tested and new glasses, took Robert to get his eye's tested and he has new glasses, finished homework for the last week, got my first article published as the Oakland Pagan Examiner and started writing another one. I have also finished a large part of the revamp of the Touch of amethyst site that highlights my weekly tarot readings. I am trying to have the things I am doing that are positive stay on the surface so I am not just looking at what is not feeling good.

I have also been spending some quality time with Robert reading at night. We have had some fun and it has felt good just being with him.

So now I am preparing for Beltane and hopefully something with the family to celebrate. We shall see how that goes.

Yemaya's tears

2010-03-31T22:20:00.001-07:00

I think of the rain this year as a welcomed cleansing of the year so far. So much pain and sadness this year that the mother is crying for the pain of her children. And in her pain, her tears have the power to wash away the hurt.... to see to a renewed spring that is to come.

As I remember the incredible losses that I have had this year, and those pains that I know others are dealing with as well, I can only be thankful that the mother is listening and responding. Her gift will bring about more gifts in the coming season and for this I am ever so grateful.

May we all relish in the opportunity to cleanse it away, plant our seeds and watch them grow. May Yemaya lace her tears with compassion and unconditional love so that we may all feel the relief of the rain that comes from the sky.

Blessed Be

Call for Writers - Upcoming Anthology with Immanion Press

2010-03-29T20:49:00.001-07:00

Call for Writers– Shades of Faith; minority voices within Paganism

Email for inquiries and submissions:

Megalithica Books, an imprint of Immanion Press (Stafford, U.K./Portland, OR, U.S.A) is seeking submissions for an anthology on people of color working in magical communities. This anthology will be an opportunity to get the voices and experiences of minorities within the Pagan community out to the world and address some of the challenges, stereotyping, frustrations and the beauty of being different within the racial construct of typical Pagan or Wiccan groups. These communities include (but are not limited to) groups and individuals working in Wicca, Voodoo, Umbanda, Shaman, and other Pagan paths.

Many of the roots of Paganism have come from the lands of people of color yet the mainstreaming of Wicca has elevated images of worship and deity that connect with Celtic, Greek or Roman cultures. This can have an exclusive effect on those who's culture or ancestry fall outside of those categories. Interestingly enough people of color within Paganism are often walking between the worlds of their birth ancestry and culture and that of their spiritual culture. This anthology is an opportunity to share your stories and experiences with others around being a minority in our spiritual community.

Here are some suggested topics to give you an idea of the focus of this anthology.

Your experience of integration into the Pagan community

Magical work

Ancestor work

Integrating your birth culture with your spiritual workings

Personal experiences and thoughts around how being of color within the Pagan community was significant.
What magical work are you doing now? How do you describe it? Do you work alone, in a group, or in several settings?

Your birth culture and spiritual workings

Stereotypes and prejudice
Being the only person of color in a coven, group or community

Sharing your culture and history with other Pagans

Cultural history

Sub-culture of African Americans, Hispanics or other minority groups within Wicca or Paganism.

Is there a sense of acceptance within the magical community you work in? Do you encounter resistance in your magical community or acceptance?

What do you feel is needed to be more inclusive of racial diversity in Pagan communities

Rough drafts are due July 15, 2010. These drafts will be edited in a back-and-forth process with the editor. Essays should be 1500-4000 words, although if your work falls outside those limits, do submit it – we can discuss this during the editing process. Drop us an email if you are unsure whether your idea fits into the content. The sooner you start the communication process the better, as after the deadline we won't be considering additional ideas.

Essay requirements:
• Citations for all quoted, paraphrased, or otherwise unoriginal material
• Bibliography of works cited
• Prefer APA format

Do write in your voice! If you're academically inclined or trained, feel free to be as intelligent and technical as you like. If your work entirely talks in the first person about your own experience, please include this also. There is a wide range of voices, and we are interested in being as inclusive of style as possible.

Accepted contributors will receive a free copy of the anthology when it is published and additional copies sold at 40% off the cover price to contributors. All contributors will be provided with a contract upon final acceptance of their essays, not when they are accepted for editing. If your essay is not accepted for the anthology, we will tell you after the first round of edits.

The anthology will be edited by Crystal Blanton. She is the author of an upcoming pagan/occult nonfiction book called Bridging the Gap; Working Within the Dynamics of Pagan Groups and Society. She may be found online at http://www.crystalblanton.org and her email address for this anthology is crystal@crystalblanton.com .

Immanion Press is a small independent press based in the United Kingdom. Founded by author Storm Constantine, it expanded into occult nonfiction in 2004 with the publication of Taylor Ellwood's Pop Culture Magick. Today, Immanion's nonfiction line, under the Megalithica Books imprint, has a growing reputation for edgy, experimental texts on primarily intermediate and advanced pagan and occult topics. Find out more at http://www.immanion-press.com.

Pop Culture Magick...... Buffy and my mom

2010-03-29T11:02:00.001-07:00

I am reading a book right now called Pop Culture Magick by Taylor Ellwood and there have been some interesting thoughts that I have had in this journey. For those who do not know, my mom and I watched all the seasons of Buffy together in a short period of time. I had always avoided watching Buffy because it seemed cheesy but one day I thought...... I wanna see.

So my mom and I got the episodes from Netflix last year and watched them back to back, becoming hooked. We laughed at the silliness and enjoyed the stories. Most of all we enjoyed this together and it was something that the two of use shared.... it was our inside joke of sorts.

When my mom got hurt, I took season 1 to the hospital and played it in the room for her. After reading this book, I am wondering about using those connections to design a ritual of sorts to help support my healing. It is a fun thought and I think I will consider playing with it.

Finding words that build bridges

2010-03-24T14:36:00.001-07:00

It is so interesting how words can be the catalyst to connection or the hammer of destruction. It is so much easier to find the words to express anger than to express fear, concern, sadness, confusion or any other emotion that can feel so vulnerable. I am sure there are many reasons why this is like this but I think one of the main reasons from a spiritual sense is that anger responses are reactionary in nature. When we are angry we are not filtering other information, we are responding to the anger.

This process can (notice I said can) bypass the spiritual processing system each person sets up for his or herself. As we all know, this makes things complicated. Anger is a natural response, it is not always a natural response to process before action. I watch this all the time; sometimes with others and sometimes with myself.

As discussed in The Four Agreements, words are powerful. We write these contracts with ourselves without even knowing it. We set up these shadow agreements on how we deal with certain situations, how to respond, who we are and who we are not. We unintentionally build bridges towards successful connections with ourselves and others or we tear the bridges down to crumbles.

These shadow agreements, contracts, thoughts or even traps, if you will, are dangerous. They put parameters in our lives that stop growth and block the beautiful parts of life from getting too close. Part of getting blessings or love in your life is by opening yourself to the possibilities of receiving it. If your shadow agreements are blocking your blessings, consider what you are losing in your battle to stay safe.

Once you are able to accept that you are blocking your blessings, you might have an easier time finding words to allow them back in.

May we all be so blessed.

the deity exchange

2010-03-12T22:03:00.001-08:00

So often we get into the habit of wanting things from the God and Goddess. Things come up, a need or desire, and it is almost automatic that a call goes out to the Gods and the Universe. It is not as automatic to think about what we are doing in exchange for the support and blessings in which we are asking for. As we are considering all the blessings that come our way, we need to remember that the connection of all things will dictate that something else sacrifices in order to fulfill our desires. Honoring that sacrifice can be just as important as honoring the things that we receive.

I am in the process of grieving and needing divine support to enhance the support I am getting from my loved ones. I have not always thought about the shifting of balance that happens when I am asking for my needs to be met by the universe. As things continue to occur I am reminded of this factor in the balance of life and remembering that those things are just as important to me as the things I need. The exchange that happens in the ultimate balance is praise worthy. Our relationships with Deity are like those we have with our family and friends. It is an exchange and nothing is free.... nothing is without sacrifice.

When we honor the Gods, lets honor the totality of the things that they encompass. We cannot have one side without the other. Honor the giving as you are taking and support the continuous shift within the universe. Say a prayer for those things that are without so that you can be with.

Feelings of abandonment

2010-03-10T14:32:00.001-08:00

It is important to acknowledge the feelings that you have, it is the energy that you are radiating to the universe whether you acknowledge that or not. Going into the spring is a perfect time to pay attention to what is coming up for you and find ways to cope with those things we cannot control. Many of us are coming out of the dark half of this past year with scars and bruises.

Feelings of abandonment are natural. Whether we are feeling this around physical loss of someone, loss of energy, friends, connections, jobs, housing or even illness; loss is layered with feeling abandoned. It is not uncommon to even feel abandoned by the Gods at times. Again, this is normal.

It can be instinctual to retreat when feeling these feelings, even to hide from some of the growth that we know is inevitable. If you are anything like me, I get these moments of fear around change and growth. Change is unpredictable and growth means so many things to so many people but resisting change could create friction that only adds to the intensity of it.

Sometimes we have to accept that change is constant and most other things are not. Friendships may come and go, people transition, new opportunities come, obstacles appear and only some connections last forever. As heart wrenching as this can be it is what makes us human. Our challenge is not dealing with the feelings of abandonment we feel but pushing past them to find a better opportunity or change for growth.

As I am trying to do in my life, I encourage you to push past the fear you may be feeling as we go into the balance of the equinox and use that to sustain your spirit. Without this hope can easily die and that is the greatest type of abandonment of all.

There are no words....

2010-02-22T00:09:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking for a while of what to write and what to say. I have resigned myself to the fact that there are no words to express what I have seen or gone through in the last month since my mother's accident. The world as I have known it has gone away in a blaze of flames that consumed my mother's life and my sense of security. My mother has always been my rock, she was consistent in her love for me and always supported me in finding the layers of my being. I cannot remember a time when she told me she would disown me for my thoughts or actions. She wanted me to find myself and be who I am, live my life with honesty and integrity. I honor her sheer ability to pass that on to me.

I am not sure how to continue to move throughout my life without her by my side, she was such a part of me..... and I was such a part of her. My son completed her. It has been so strange to hear everyone's tales of how she adored me so much. I always knew she loved me, a lot, but never all the other things. I saw her do that over Robert and never knew that she did that to me as a child too. She had such love. She was so beautiful.

I am ashamed at how much I took her for granted. She was always such s trooper that I just adapted to her being super woman. I told her I loved her everyday but now it just doesn't seem like it was enough. I wish I could have said it more. I wish I could tell her thank you for every single thing she did for my family, every value she taught, every meal she cooked, every pick up from school, every diaper she changed, every page of homework she helped with, every hug she gave, every floor she mopped, every smile she smiled and every load of laundry she did. There just isn't enough time to say enough thank yous.

I believe in the powers of the universe to make things right and to take care of her. I just have to believe that she is ok and that I will live to my fullest potential, that my family will live to it's fullest potential.

May the Gods love and protect us all.

Forever Changed

2010-01-23T23:51:00.001-08:00

I knew that this moment would forever change my life. I got that phone call and it was in that moment that I realized life would never be the same, much like when I got that phone call in 1996 or when I saw her in 2001. I always knew that life was full of the unexpected, the events that build character and stories to write about but not like this, not now and definatly not her.

My mother has always been the soul behind my life. She has been the one constant in a sea of chaos within this world that always has been the source of so much of my pain. Watching her on the bed with her swollen face, burned skin and lifeless body; I realize that once again my life is about to forever change.

My son's face tells the story of the painful event; one full of fear and terror. With swollen eyes and dripping tears he says to me, "when I saw her, it was like my heart broke into a million pieces and fell to my stomach". I looked into the eyes of this broken hero standing before me; feeling guilty in the knowledge that I was grateful he saved my mother's life despite the trauma it has caused him. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his head, knowing the memory of that moment would forever change his life.

How do you tell a hero that the pictures in his head that continue to cause so much pain is a story of bravery, the markings of a true warrior? The images don't fade after everyone forgets and walks away. The imaginary memories I hold of my mom's suffering will forever haunt my thoughts but my son's memories are real and etched into his mind, holding that moment like a bookmark in time; constantly reminding him of how everything in his world was now different; tarnished and forever changed.

The days blend into one another and the clock continues to tick without realization of it's impact. Every moment that passes holds a delicate hope, a wishful conclusion, a dream. I sit in the purple chair within the white sterile room with green gloves on my hands dreaming of a time when I might hear her voice, hold her in my arms or kiss her face. Looking over her body I just see pain and sadness; eyes that cannot focus on my face, a mouth that cannot smile, tubes that prevent her from speaking my name and a wrinkle in her forehead that shows her worry and fear. As the tears leak from her confused eyes I know she is afraid and must be thinking about how one moment, one task, one meal, one shirt, one day, one moment, one action.... has drastically changed her life.

What do you say when you can't take away the pain, remove the fear, wind back the clock or step into her shoes to relieve her from this moment? I can say nothing. I can do nothing. I can only hope that the next moment is her choice, that she can chose to forever change her life again …...and live.

Welcoming a new year of opportunity

2010-01-03T02:50:00.001-08:00

As the wheel turns and 2009 fades in the dust, 2010 shows us an open road.... another opportunity to move forward. The road blocks of the previous year vanish and miraculously the road is clearer and the path allows for turns that were not open before.

I am working towards setting a course for the next decade, one of abundance and love. If I am working towards in setting my intentions then I must believe that I am the key in setting this into manifestation. It is the simple rituals our energy performs that can set the course before we are conscious enough to know ourselves. If I cannot believe that I have the power to set my course then my energy will continuously send out that message to the universe.

Instead I am going to push a new energy this year that is full of possibilities and see where it may lead. May you do the same.
Blessed Be!

The cycle of good and the love of people

2009-12-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

Interestingly I find that I get sucked into the darker side of thinking through a situation when something happens. I sometimes find it hard to remember the good when the bad seems to be what is evoking a emotional reaction from me in the moment. It takes processing on my part to transition out of that position and to a position of the balancing light that makes all things worth the effort. This is something that I have had since being a child and something that I have worked on and continue to work on. Although I see improvements, most of the time it is like a knee jerk reaction..... transition and processing time is much less though as I grow.

Going through the most recent changes in my life, the loss of someone I love and the gaining of two incredible souls; I have found that the cycle started at a more positive place from the beginning. Almost like remembering that we have some choices in how we view or perceive the world in front of us and instead of reacting I have the power to set the course.

Staying in the place of light in this situation has reminded me that without the dark there is no light and all things are needed in our lives. So this momentary patch of transition, frustration and uncertainty has been put in our paths to create more light.

It is amazing how this process continues to unfold and I am able to recall the importance of love around me with the people I choose in my life. My coven sisters reached out on their own and bought a crib for one of the grandchildren just to show their love for me, my family and the process. It was like a smack in the face to remember that I am a very lucky person with lots of support, love and spirit working in my life.... even without my knowledge.

So in the year of 2009 (the year of the 9) coming to a close, endings are here and new phases emerge. I am excited to go into a new transitional phase remembering the beauty in my life and the greatness of the people around me. I am truly blessed.

complexity of life and balance

2009-12-01T22:55:00.001-08:00

Life is forever changing and growing to new places and what seems like the unattainable goals. In reality all goals are attainable but.they feel so far from grasp, so out of reach. This year has been the ongoing challenge of maintaining balance in a world that is so far beyond the concept of it. Right when things seem to even out, another swing of the pendulum puts things out of balance and only time will allow for the pendulum to slow.

Gratefully we are going into a new year in less than a month and this allows for new hope, new opportunities and renewed thoughts. I have been set on another adventure and I am grateful that I have the resources to follow through with what is needed of me and this family. Two pairs of eyes are added to the fold of the Blanton family and spirit will guide us all in meeting their needs.

So in concepts of balance it is not always as we think it will be. Maybe we are meant to deal with one side of the pendulum in order to help others avoid it. If this is correct then I happily will stand in to do what is asked of me and then some.

Updates and plans

2009-10-20T21:21:00.001-07:00

Well, life has it's way of getting busy when you want to slow down, doesn't it? I am in the process of preparing for my National Novel Writing Month challenge (nanowrimo) that starts November 1st and I am waiting for the second editing revision from the editor. Once I get the edits back, I will have about a month to turn it around, maybe less. As things get closer it feels like the pressure just increases. I do not have a release date yet but can imagine that I might have some more answers after this next part of the process.

School is going good. I am currently taking Child and Adolescent Psychology and Sociology. I am on the Dean's list for the second semester but amazingly that just adds more pressure as well. it is exciting to get that acknowledgment since I have always felt I missed out on a traditional higher learning experience when I was younger but now as an adult who is already established in her career, these types of events make me feel like I "have" to get a good grade or else it puts my experience in question. Silly, I know but it is just thoughts that come up. After this next semester is over..... in like 9 weeks, I will officially be a Junior in College. LOL!!

Things are shifting in other areas too. I am transitioning out of my position as the Clergy Weaver in FWTI so I can focus more on being the "Second" of the Board of Directors and acting Director of the Board right now. I am excited to hand that position over to a very well deserving and talented person! I am also getting ready to do my first ritual elevating someone to third degree. This is a huge experience for me and I am very excited. I am trying to plan it right now and look forward to the process.

other than that..... I am preparing for coming events. I am looking forward to closing the year and beginning anew. I am grateful for the opportunity to do so. Last Saturday night I went to my monthly tarot group (Berkane Babes) and had a great reading done for me. part of what the reading was saying was to feel confident that I could do this and also to step up to the plate and not be so concerned with others..... just do it. In the words of the reader, "man up!". So that is my mission over the next transition.

--
"When you become aware of silence, immediately there is a state of inner still alertness. You are present. You have stepped out of thousands of years of collective conditioning" - Eckhart Tolle. "Blessed Be oh Yemaya!! Yey Omo Eja" - "Mother Whose Children are the Fish"

Releasing shadows and holding onto purpose in the dark half

2009-10-02T16:37:00.001-07:00

The click of the wheel descends into a darkening spiral as we move into another phase, the shadow side of our land and of our lives. With Samhain quickly approaching, it is the visual reminder that fall is here and death is coming. I am not talking of physical death but of the death of the old to make way for the new beginning that will come when the land is ready to receive.

For those who know me or have been reading my blog for a while, you know that although fall is my favorite time of year, the dark half of the year is always a hard time. I have worked very hard to take the anxiety out of that time and am somewhat successful but I keep it a conscious thought that the coin flips over and I better be prepared.

The inner reflection of the dark half is always hardest, looking inside at the emotions that are triggerd by the chain of events. And although we all know that these events stretch us and help us grow, that does not take the sting out at the time. Like with a tattoo, you know the ending will make a stronger and more beautiful you but the tattoo itself still hurts like hell.

I have already seen the dark half working it's magic and shifting shadows where things are now revealed. I already know that this will be a brilliant year for growth and pray it is not too painful for us all in the process but I feel the shift this year. I feel the shift, not only in the earth but also in the energy of the human spirit and the struggle.

As times are already hard while in the light, the anticipation of the dark is ever looming. This has already been a challenging year for so many.

As we prepare for the holidays, the death of the god, the dying sun.... let us remember that those things that keep us whole are the shields of love we build inside of ourselves and around us. All things start from within and yet cultivating and recognizing the love and strength we have built within with our families and friends is also essential. Take no one and nothing for granted, not even yourself and do whatever keeps you connected in love and joy. And if patience is the key to all things then let love, compassion, acceptance, honor and peace be the door we get to open.

May you be blessed this coming season.

Mabon; balance in a season of chaos

2009-09-22T23:26:00.001-07:00

One of two times a year when the alignment of the world is in line with the things I am aspiring for in my own life. Everyday that passes is another chance to achieve the goals set before me and each day I continue to strive for just that. Finding the internal balance between what I expect of myself and what the world expects of me has been key in navigating what I need to do for my family and for those who depend on my sanity. (those poor souls)

In reality I think 2009 has shown me that balance is not something you achieve and then you are set. Balance is something that requires constant work and, like with a see-saw, it is a fragile act of give and take. Without the flexibility of empathy, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance and accountability, the tipping of the scale to either side could be a permanent shift that doesn't recover. the real art to balance is knowing that there is no such real thing. Balance is what we create, it is not a set pattern that exists the same for everyone.

My scale has been altered this year because of unforeseen circumstances and now the skill of redefining "balance" is what I am working towards. Each day I am closer, each day it makes more sense why I am in this battle to begin with.

--
"When you become aware of silence, immediately there is a state of inner still alertness. You are present. You have stepped out of thousands of years of collective conditioning" - Eckhart Tolle. "Blessed Be oh Yemaya!! Yey Omo Eja" - "Mother Whose Children are the Fish"

stepping into the fold

2009-09-15T22:40:00.001-07:00

Priestessing is a hard job. No one tells you the amount of responsibility that comes with becoming a High Priest or Priestess until it is far enough down the road that you know there is no turning back. and in reality, there is no way to possibly understand what that responsibility means until it is yours.

Walking in the role many times puts you at odds with people you love and can give you some sadness as well. It can also be a rewarding place to be when someone is fulfilling their destiny and you have the opportunity to watch. Regardless of the ups and downs of priestessing, the reality is that it is a hard job and one that can leave you feeling awfully isolated at times.

I think it is important for us all to remember that the Gods reasoning is not always ours and we will not always understand the road that lays ahead for ourselves or for those we support. It is the road with many beginnings and a myriad of possible endings but none the less it will be filled with the necessary lessons that need to be acquired. I may not understand those lessons but they are ever present and we all have to learn them; whether willingly or by being brought to our knees.

May we all learn the lessons without too many bruises.

A road of balance and fun

2009-09-05T22:53:00.001-07:00

The business of family life, being a full time counselor, High Priestess, mentor and author is a hectic and crazy balancing act. I don't know how I got here but it has morphed into one of the most challenging of positions. I enjoy the challenge but know that the energy I spend fulfilling these obligations have to be replenished somehow.

The past two weekends have been doing just that for me. I went to a dreaded work retreat and was pleasantly surprised at the role this retreat played in helping me self care. I got put in a condo on the beach with a view of the ocean in a room to myself. I stayed up late eating cheetos and listening to the silence while I played on the computer. I slept soundly to the sounds of nature and the rolling waves while I was suppose to be preparing for the upcoming work schedule. The reality was that this moment of solitude was one of the most important reminders I could have gotten on how to take care of myself.

The next weekend was full of adventures that filled the driving force i have as a Pagan to connect with nature and with the Gods. My mom, melissa and two of the kids went to the Egyptian Museum in San Jose. it was beautiful and I promise to post some pictures in the near future. it was a great day of reflection, sights, bonding and relaxing. Seeing some of the images served as gentle reminders of what I do and what I am. I felt wonderful in the atmosphere of history and deities. On Sunday we went to Muir woods and sat in the woods listening to nature and seeing the wonders. My mom, Jon, Kev, Robbie, melissa and Nayeli went and had a ball. i bought a walking stick made of redwood to use as a staff and my mother got one too. Being in the redwoods always reminds me of my spiritual core and coming to a place of balance. it was beautiful. Thursdays fullmoon was celebrated on the labyrinth surrounded by candlelight. I walked the labyrinth and thoughts of all the accomplishments I have manifested this year and allowed the stress to roll away under Yemaya's moon.

this weekend is beginning to be in the same theme as the priors. Today was a tour of two metaphysical shops for Melissa, a nice lunch and spending time with the family. Tomorrow is Roberts Bday so we are planning on relaxing in the sun and spending time with my boy.

Take the time out to enjoy all the wonderful things that may seem small but hold so much weight in the grand picture of life. We all deserve happiness and balance in order to continue the road to fulfilling our highest good. I am trying to remember mine, do you remember yours?

--
"When you become aware of silence, immediately there is a state of inner still alertness. You are present. You have stepped out of thousands of years of collective conditioning" - Eckhart Tolle. "Blessed Be oh Yemaya!! Yey Omo Eja" - "Mother Whose Children are the Fish"

Questioning

2009-08-24T01:41:00.001-07:00

It is interesting how we all naturally question what is happening in our lives, especially when something comes up that we don't want to do. A recent work retreat has been such a hard event for me to come to terms with for various reasons and because of this, it felt like I was being forced to do something I couldn't do. After releasing that feeling and surrendering to the fact that I was going on this trip, I went and am glad i did.

This trip turned out to be in the belly of Yemaya, right on the beach with visions of the beach everywhere. after fearing having to share a room with people I didn't know, I ended up with my own room full of peace and inner reflection. What I realized once I was here was that I needed this. I needed to get away from the chaos and allow myself to just spend time with me. In the process, I am connecting to the Yemaya within and out in the oceans. I have missed her constant influence in my life since I have allowed my stress to block a lot of the messages she normally sends.

I went to the store and bought a spirit candle since I left mine at home. I am now sitting with the ocean at my back and peace in my mind. How exciting it is to have enjoyed and experienced this. I truely need it and will try to remember not to doubt my blessings in the future.

--
"When you become aware of silence, immediately there is a state of inner still alertness. You are present. You have stepped out of thousands of years of collective conditioning" - Eckhart Tolle. "Blessed Be oh Yemaya!! Yey Omo Eja" - "Mother Whose Children are the Fish"

Changes that rock your core

2009-08-19T22:41:00.001-07:00

Interesting how life just seems to shift without giving you a chance to catch up. It is like a wind that happens; pushing past the structures you have built, whizzing through your goals and stirring up your dreams. In one moment you find that you have to reassess where you are and where you thought you wanted to go. Interesting how life seems to shift you into another state of contemplation on your life and your journey.

In one year it my life has shift has been continuous and drastic and for a lot of people that I know. I am not alone in this re-shifting of the universe. Some people may attribute the changes to categories of good or bad but I am just trying to grasp the changes themselves, not judge them. As I am a firm believer that the Gods put you in a place to constantly revisit your needs and your commitment to your path; I know this is where I am in my life. I have, in many ways, taken on parts of the qualities of my Goddess.... becoming the mother figure to many inside and outside of my household. I never fully understood how taking on the vow to a deity could open that door. And as I am learning to adjust to this new found role, this new existence, the new expectations; I am also learning more about myself and who I really am at the core.

Learning to release to the will of my personal higher power is trying in many ways since it goes against my nature of needing to control the variables in my life; helping me to avoid being hurt. For this reason, I know I am being challenged to grow again and to become more of what I look to my Gods for.

Knowing that acceptance is the Key to Growth, I will honor this ever turning wheel of unexpected leaps in faith as I continue on this journey. With less than a year before the release of my book, I feel I a getting the opportunity to jump to yet another place that will increase my ability to be empathetic with my community and with those I might have the pleasure to support.

May you be blessed as I am learning to accept my blessings.
"Blessed Be oh Yemaya!! Yey Omo Eja" - "Mother Whose Children are the Fish"

Crystal

New Updates

2009-08-16T22:00:00.001-07:00

There is a new fan page on facebook for all you facebook users, new twitter page that is now linked to the website on the side panel AND blogs have been updated from previous entries. There is a link to the facebook page on the front page of the crystalblanton.com website if you would like to participate. The older blogs that have been added give some insight into my process and achievements that have helped me become a High Priestess and helped to fashion some of the writing in my upcoming book.

Blessed be!

2009-08-16T20:53:00.001-07:00

I am testing me new ability to post via phone....

Updates, grandkids, growth and book deal

2009-03-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

The new year has been a rush of new things, achieving goals, new people in my life and responsibility. I don't know that I could have prepared myself for all the things that have come but I am grateful because I get to work towards goals and relationships that I have been wanting for a long time.

The best news today is that I have had the chance to meet my grandchildren today. I saw in person my grandson Adrian and the new baby girl Niela (which I probably spelled wrong). Of course they are both gorgeous and I see so much of the Blanton family there. The girl is only a couple of days old and paternity is in question right now but once we were able to see her, for me atleast... I am pretty damn sure. There are too many similarities for her not to be. She has the nose, the skin, the cricked "Blanton Toe" that they all have.

Adrian is beautiful and I was so happy to hold him and kiss on him. What a beauty....

Keith is doing good and is coming home on the weekends. He will be home fulltime in about two weeks. We are planning out what his schedule will be when he is here fulltime. He will have a job that seems to be already lined up, which is good. And we are going to be signing him up for some courses.

And then the other BIG news I have is that my book has been signed. I am have a deadline for July 1st and am working hard on the final manuscript. I sent in the contract last week and I am excited yet anxious and scared at the same time. This is one of the things I have been waiting for and I am blessed to have this opportunity. I will be published with Immanion/Megalithic Publishing.

So.... That is the news. I will try and keep updates flowing as they come along.
Blessings!

Pantheacon 2009 Wrap Up

2009-02-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

Pcon this year was a blessing from start to finish. I got a chance to unwind (in a matter of speaking) without kids needing my full attention and be with fellow magical people at the witch event of the year.

There were many wonderful things that happened this year, including but not limited to joining with Lydia, Stone, TreeBear and Jenna, awesome roommates, fun shopping, great rituals, a beautiful and memorable dedication ritual of a fellow sister, several potential dings for publishing, a memorable meeting with Selena and a pretty smooth workshop with more people than I expected to come.

I am now back to the grind, getting together the last peices of my book proposal to send out to those whom I promised. I am grateful for the positive connections and even more greatful for the good times.

blessings to all.

The movement continues; race, riots, Obama, cops and injustice

2009-01-27T19:08:00.001-08:00

For those who know me well, you know that I have always called myself a closet revolutionary. I believe in the power of change and the many methods we as a people have had to go through to obtain equality. Whether this refers to race or religion or general human rights. While the media (rightfully so) has focused on the positive change happening right before our eyes with the presidency of Obama, I have also been reminded of the continued need for change. It is easy to think that since we have a black President (woohoo) that the world or the United States has reached the level of equality between our races. this could not be more wrong.

The positive strides towards equality and change does not take away from the continuous injustices that happen. Although it is a damned good start.

For us Californians, we have watched the Bart shooting of Oscar Grant over and over on the news and for me it still doesn't seem like enough. The sheer brutality of these types of situations came to us in an undeniable way, even though these injustices have continued to happen repeatedly in urbanized areas and is not new. It is easy for those who are not around this type of community to assume that these things don't happen and in reality, they happen too much.

The newest development of another officer punching Oscar Grant in the face, just prior to him being shot in the back by the Bart officer has me enraged. Watching a video of this young man being assaulted and then shot by those who are in a uniform feels like one of the biggest violations of our human rights within this country. What do we have if the very people who are to protect us are the ones who we have to fear.

Now, let me be clear.... This is nothing new for those who have to live in this type of environment and live this life everyday. I am lucky and have had the opportunity to remove myself and family from living within the energy of the inner city, to a certain extent.

The voice of the people came out when they rioted and protested the streets of Oakland two weeks ago. Riding down the streets of Oakland to work and seeing the destruction can be disheartening. But at the same time, seeing the pictures of Oscar Grant, memorials painted in his name and a call for justice gives me hope. Signs stating "no justice no peace" are posted all around the city. In a community so devastated by crime, drugs, poverty, unemployment and sadness.... we still have a sense of pride and a knowing that we must be heard.

In the days and weeks after the riots, we have seen a large response from the people in charge. The officer was arrested, Bart finally (after more than 10 days) reponded to the shooting, now the other officer is being investigated for assault and attention is being put into a broken system.

We have also seen the FBI come into Oakland and start an investigation of the Oakland Police Department, sparked by several different things. One of those things was a man who was kicked to death by an Oakland Police officer, who is now the head of the Police internal affairs department. He is also suspected of getting other officers to cover this up.

And let's not forget the Oakland Riders, those 3-4 officers (maybe more). Here is a clip from an SF Gate article by Chip Johnson in 2005, "After two criminal trials, a lawsuit that the city settled by paying $10. 5 million in damages to 119 victims, and a court order that has placed the Oakland Police Department under the supervision of a federal judge, the Riders have walked away again."

As black people, we are not oblivious to the sacrifice we have had to make to seek justice. And it is easy to think now that there is no need for us to continue to fight. Things are different right? Things have changed..... Prejudice, police brutality, racism, racial profiling.... all those things are in the past, right?

Please, open your eyes. I am not calling for rioting and destruction but I am saying that the time is too crucial to think that we are not still in a state of inequality. Let us not be fooled to think that because something is one way for us that is like that for all others. Let us not think that just because we have a black president that we no longer have grave racism in this country. Thank goodness we don't all have to riot but I respect those who have sacrificed their freedoms and done the things I can't or won't do in order to get attention where needed.

If it were not for those people we would not have had a civil rights movement, a Martin Luther King Jr, Malcom X, Huey P Newton and Bobby Seal, Little Bobby Hutton, Angela Davis, Cesar Chavez, Nelson Mandela, and the list goes on. We must continue to seek justice. We must continue to lead the path to equality.

Or else it might be my child, your child, your brother, your father, your mother, your friend or you who is beat and killed by the cops, shot at the BART station, framed for a crime, scared to call for help, prisoner in your community and potentially lose your future.

Being blessed

2008-12-25T14:27:00.000-08:00

As frustrating as life and raising a family can be, sitting here and watching them play the new Wii while ham and yams are cooking in the kitchen..... I know I am blessed. there is nothing like spending time with those you love and knowing they love you too. Even those who I am not able to be with in person are on my mind today and I know they are thinking about me too... I know I am blessed.

It is good to keep that in the front of our minds as we walk through the rest of the year. There are those who are not as fortunate as I; who don't have money right now, or a job, or people to call them on the phone, or presents, or a tree or food or a home to sleep in. I wish for those people they could have what I have today. I don't have much but it is just enough to make me a happy girl.

Moving toward renewal

2008-12-21T00:34:00.001-08:00

The spiritual new year has already brought about change for me and those I know. With the rebirth of the son/sun and the calender new year approaching, I find I am excited yet anxious for things to come.

I have felt the anxiety in the air over the last several months between the elections, economy and changes everyone has been going thru. So the new year has a lot of things unknown and that too magnifies the anxiety..........

So I am planning wisely for the upcoming time of change. I am trying hard to prioritize my life and put things into a positive order. I am thinking ahead and planing my future.

Yule has been good for me. It has reminded me that things work out they way they should and life is full of unexpected pleasures. (a good thing to remember going into a new year)

The coven did Yule this year, breaking tradition from the last 3 years, and doing it differently. The ritual was awesome and beautifully written. The sisters and family were present and it was a lot of fun. We were able to invite three guests to come and participate with us and it was unexpectedly super fun. Although I was nervous with the new forming tradition and with new people, it turned out to be very fun and great memories.

So I am going to approach the new year with the same outlook and allow myself to enjoy every minute of it.

Blessed Yule everyone and enjoy every minute.

Growing to the High Priestess I am

2008-08-25T21:01:00.000-07:00

As time passes I become more and more aware of what I have achieved and how far I have come in my spiritual life. I am a high priestess and it is amazing to know that others look at me as such. I don't know that I ever really saw this happening or anticipated that it would be like this.

Within the next year I will see two of my students come into their own power as High Priestesses, one priestess elevated to 2nd degree and four maybe five more elevated to first degree. Oh my!!!!!

I will have spiritual grandchildren and Dia will have spiritual great grandchildren. Who would have thought.

I am anxious to see what will come next.

the upcoming anniversary of the water

2008-08-16T02:33:00.001-07:00

With the upcoming anniversary of Katrina I am reminded of many things that evoke emotions within me. Seeing the devestation of a community and the disregard for life as we watched them die and float on the waters trying to survive, I am still so saddened by the disregard for the lives of our own....those of my people. So I posted this poem before but feel it is time to post it again to honor the anniversary of the water that changed many peoples lives....

And the Water Said....By Ifalade Ta'Shia Asanti
A Poem For the 2005 Hurricane Katrina Survivors, All Rights Reserved @August 2005

And the water said, "listen!"
I am coming to show you truth,
I am coming to shake the grains of sands beneath you
Show you that which is hidden but in plain view
And the water told us why she had come--
I have come to stroke the skin tones of America
To comb the roots of racism
Expose the scalp of discrimination
Make it bare like the parts of newly plaited hair
"Can you hear me," the water asked?
I'm here to purify these nations
To wash the streets clean of their denial
To reveal faulty foundations and forked tongues
And I shall not be ignored
And her rain created cities of tears
Waves of brutal reality
Demanding transformation
Commanding our world undone
She woke us early
When the white house phone line was busy
About a quarter to one she woke us
Before our comfort arrived in monthly envelopes
Made us remember the unity of a million maafas
Showed us how genocides join sons

She carried our vision to rooftops
Where the shepherd revoked our salvation
FEMA dollars transformed into tombstones
Homeland Security became a funeral home
And the water returned to her garden
An ailing levee beckoned her backwards
Back to the streets
Back to our homes
She wasn't sure we had remembered
She was sure that we had forgotten

And the water rose
She embraced our memories
Ran up our steps to our doorbells
She knocked but we didn't answer
She stretched higher and higher
Found us waiting in the sunlight
Waving to strangers in electronic birds
Whose wings made us invisible beneath the sleeping sun
Do you remember now she asked?
Do you remember Rwanda & Benin?
Do you remember the captive passage?

And she beckons us to forward
To new land
Under new realities
She calls us to independence
Not theirs, but our own
She turns our eyes inward
She moves our hands together
And the water said: "seek one another!"
Hear as you've never heard
Understand how you've never understood
I am parting my tide for your safe journey
So you may discover what I already know

You have survived
Let this message wash your ears alive
I am here with your salvation
I have delivered it on the words flowing from my tongue
And She retreated from their doorsteps and porches
Let the son return

She sent them into the wilderness
With prayers already done
Daughters of the ocean
Sons of the storm
Our God has not forsaken you
But come to reshape your love..

Back on

2008-05-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

So, as you know, I started training with NROOGD. Well after a couple of months I have decided that my attention and energy needs to go elsewhere. I have decided that the timing is not right for me to add another tradition to my plate right now and for many reasons I am not able to do it right now.

As soon as the decision was made FWTI answered the call. The work coming down the line is a lot and I am back to working overtime for the tradition of my training.

thoughts of a fullmoon walk

2008-04-20T14:09:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to the fullmoon labyrinth walk with Kat. We went to the last full moon candlelit labyrinth moon walk for 2007 and last night was the first one of the year for the 2008 season.

The night was cold with the kind of chill that makes your bones shiver and the anticipation of the cold was trying to convince me that tonight was not a good night to go. But I knew there were things I needed from the full moon walk and I knew I needed to go.

The labyrinth was darker than I remembered it from last years walk. There were three ladies on the maze as we walked up and they were talking while walking. I immediatley got irritated at their disrespect and said "Shhhh" before I started. They did stop talking but for the first section of the walk I couldn't pull my focus from them to me.

I then started thinking about recent choices I have made and why things have seemed so hard in this recent process. While doing that I grabbed my pentacle (which was the one that Kathryn and Ariana gave me when I got my third degree) and I thought "I love this pendant". And I questioned why I haven't been wearing it. I remembered when I first took it off and I remembered a statement that was made to me about the necklace from someone about how others "might have a problem with it" and at the time I didn't think they were related or affected me but they did. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks while walking.

Right after that I asked myself "why do I care?" About two steps after that I almost fell completely off the path. Not step off the path but fall completely over. I rebalanced and thought "god damn it takes hard work to stay on the path." AHA!!!!!!!

I think I am falling off the path. I don't think I allowed myself the time to become stable and secure in my place on my path before throwing a curve ball towards me. And at what point can someones statement or others views contribute to me pulling back from what I have worked towards for almost 6 years. If it was a master's degree in college, would I allow others thoughts to invalidate my degree? I am responsible for how I allow others to affect me and that is something I need to remember.

This is what I got on the trip inward on my journey. Interestingly when I got to the middle I felt relieved. I felt like I got some answers. I have rushed myself, I have not stayed true to my path, I have allowed outside interference to affect me and have not stood as proudly in my accomplishments.

On the way out there were two things that were profound to me. One was that there was a lady who was walking also and was at a faster pace. In my mind I knew she needed to pass us but I had to start reminding myself "don't look back, don't look back". I realized how I concentrated on someone elses path instead of staying focused on my own. With the exception of those whom I am responsible for like my kids, or those whom have entrusted me to be their spiritual mentor, I should not be worried about other people's path.

And there was this part of the path that I couldn't really see and I found myself getting anxious. And then I had to think in this maze, I will just catch my balance. What is the worse that can happen. I just have to find the path when it is unclear and catch my balance when it is off.

When life gives you a godsmack.........

2008-04-17T21:24:00.001-07:00

This has been an interesting week. Isn't it amazing how a week can start off one way and drastically change direction within the course of several days? Or sometimes minutes?

This week has been full of disappointments, interesting dynamics, crazy work schedules, strange decisions and unanswered questions. As I finish off the week part of me is saying, "woohoo!!!" and the other part is reminding me to soak in the lessons of this week and not take them for granted.

Here is a short yet interesting list of some of the things I have learned or reminded of in the past 6 days:

* own your power
* clear communication is good communication
* don't over extend yourself
* trust your answers
* don't assume that things are ok
* relationships take work
* sometimes being fair takes conscious thought
* speaking your mind doesn't mean that it will be heard
* everyone sees life through a different set of lenses
* When you miss someone, call them
* trust my instincts
* Personal boundaries are some of the hardest to enforce

I am sure this list could go on and on. I am glad I am getting something out of the week of strange experiences, it makes it all worth it. I think my goal for this year will be to remember my own integrity and personal power so I can use it is a supportive and responsible way.

Blessed be!

traditional versus eclectic, are you serious?

2008-04-06T00:57:00.000-07:00

This may be one of those blogs that turn into the oh so famous crystal articles.......... so interesting how that happens. I don't know where to start with this thought so I will just jump in anywhere. For those of us who practice the craft we always here the discussions about training or opinions on the "traditional" people versus the eclectic people. I gotta say I can't stand those conversations.

I am so irritated with hearing opinions of who thinks who is really trained or "what tradition is real witchcraft" versus the eclectics. Here is what i don't understand, who cares? Don't people get tired of being so worried about how other people's training add up to their ideals?

Let me be the first to say that I am a trained eclectic Wiccan practitioner who is proud to have trained in the manner in which I did. I have been trained in a tradition that is founded on respect, tolerance and differences. Because of this I find it so hard to understand when others think they hold the keys to the "right way" of practicing the craft. As I embark on continuing and branching out I am caught off guard at how often I am hearing comments speaking against eclectic paths. It is frustrating and amazing at the same time. I am amazed that people do not consider how offensive they might be. What community do we create when we can justify those types of divides within the community? What is the real purpose of doing such? Do people really think that they are the only ones who can measure others practice or training styles?

Here is how I view the eclectic versus the traditional saga. I see such strengths on both sides of training and practice. Being eclectic can be wonderful because it teaches you to be creative with your concepts of deity and worship. It gives a big enough box to work inside of so that one can explore different sides and angles of the craft. It takes a strong person to truly train in an eclectic tradition because it requires that someone be disciplined enough to learn in a tradition where there are many options and variables. More "traditional" paths have strengths too. There is a history of practice and knowledge. There is a uniformity to practice that can lend to a common expectation of the followers of that path which can lend to the power of the work.

There are disadvantages to both sides too but I think that defeats the point of where I am going here. For those who are busy making judgments of the eclectics of the craft I think it is a strong possibility that you need to go back to your training guides and review the sections on working with others, creating community, tolerance, humility, respect, being open minded to differences and whatever else you may or may not have received the first time. If those things are not a part of your training then now is a perfect time to create them. They can be passed down to those who come after us.

This is not coming from a place of anger but rather a place of sincere concern at the state of a community that so harshly judges each other instead of finding ways to bridge the gap among our own. I hope this continues to change as the pagan world progresses to higher places in our development as a community.

I chose not to stand on one side or the other but if I felt I had to, the choice is already made...............there is no choice. My foundation is that of a Wiccan High Priestess of two traditions that are based in love, balance, understanding, tolerance and honoring of the differences that make this community of talented people so great. Won't you join me?

Adding to, not replacing

2008-03-24T11:19:00.001-07:00

I feel it is important to clarify my intentions and make a couple of things clear for those who I respect and love. I have been blessed with wonderful friends and coven mates for a long time now. I have been blessed to work in two traditions that trusted me enough to grant me to opportunity to train and become a High Priestess thru both of them.

I have recently made a decision to begin training with NROOGD. This is a huge thing for me, like all the other training decisions I have made. But it is important to say that I am not looking to replace the coven or either of the traditions I Priestess with. I am looking to add onto my training. To fill gaps so that I may be a better priestess for myself and anyone who comes to me.

I am adding to, not replacing. Solitaries of the Second Circle, Dance of the Spirit Moon tradition and Family Wiccan Tradition International are my foundations. I am excited about adding NROOGD to those other things that mean so much to me because I will have more knowledge and be able to be an even more productive member for everything else.

Thank you to everyone who continue to be supporters to me throughout the years. I love you.

The weekend of Ostara, 2008. Transformation and growth

2008-03-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend was another pillar in my spiritual building. I got the chance to do three things that are inside of my passion. I have been working all week with another priestess of DSM to prepare a ritual for the SSC. In one weekend I got to have a dedication ritual with NROOGD, circle with the sisters of the SSC and perform a DSM ritual for people I love.

I went showed up at our elders place for the ritual on Saturday and had many different thoughts going in my head. I was not sure what to expect but had a calming sense that I was doing the right thing and that things were going to be as they were suppose to be. After getting there we went to get some food, which was good. It gave me a minute to ground and prepare myself emotionally.

After returning, we did the dedication ritual and I was honored to have some of the people I highly respect from three of the bay NROOGD covens come out to support this process for me. I know that they came out to support this process for Sacred Serpent but I also know that they came for me and that meant a lot to me.

Interestingly enough after Saturday morning, I sat there and processed going skyclad in ritual. I took my cleansing bath and during that I feel like I was finally able to wash those insecurities and fears down the drain. After that process I wasn't nervous anymore. I was going to do what I knew I had to do for myself. Being skyclad after that moment wasn't a fear that kept me bound and the ritual was not a source of uncomfortableness. I feel like I grew in that respect alone by being able to go thru with it and not allowing fear to take me over and make my choices for me.

On Sunday the SSC coven came to my house and Ariana and I led a DSM ritual. It was great to show the others who were here some of what DSM has been doing over the last 3 years. DSM has grown so much and the ritual showed that for me. I was excited to show it and share it. I think the only thing missing was Jody.

We dyed eggs with everyone and sat around on this beautiful spring day enjoying eachothers company. How amazing the connection is between all of us. Time has created that for us and it is wonderful.

It was also great to have the kids and my mom there with us. It was great. Gives me a lot of hope for what is to come. Embarking on a new journey and being able to honor the one that is my foundation.

Blessed Be!

rewiring

2008-03-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

So, for what seems like the 80th time, I watched What the Bleep last night with a friend. It never cease to amaze me how much one can learn by repeating the same thing over and over again.

I heard the same things tonight but in a different way. I guess I needed to hear it. In light of some recent life events, came to the conclusion tonight that (once again) I have some rewiring to do with my neuronet. I have done this several times before but now it is on a different side of the coin. It is rewiring some of the connections about some of the unwanted energies that I call into my life and the associations I create with them. How I need to change my reality and perseptions of certain things.

Interesting how life is, isn't it? So starting today I have a whole new set of things I will be working on. Wish me luck......

Some of you may already know what I am referring to but in the interest of the spirit of rewiring, I don't see the point in detailing it out.

Blessed Be!

A week full of changes, part 1

2008-02-18T22:46:00.001-08:00

This week has been one that cannot really be described in one blog or in words at all really. I am going to try to find a place to start and begin to talk about a process that has changed many things about how I have looked at the world until now.

After over two years of working with my spiritual mentor and High Priestess I was finally able to pick her up at the airport and look her in the eyes. There was that brief moment of questioning if I knew this woman at all but within moments I knew that this would change my life. Over the next couple of days we went to several pagan shops as she did seminars there, we took a trip to the Redwoods and San Francisco with two of my students and did a series of remarkable rituals.

I received my Third degree ritual to become the second High Priestess of the Family Wiccan Tradition International. Because the ritual itself is oath bound, I can just say that it was a moving experience full of fears, anxiety and triumph.

I was then privileged to work with Dia to do the second degree rituals for Ariana and Obsidian with her. That in and of itself was also an incredible and remarkable experience to stand side by side with her and do the elevation rituals.

We were able to spend some quality time together as family and it was a great and bonding experience. And this led us to PantheaCon!!

It is here

2008-02-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

After years of working with Dia towards my third degree for FWTI, it is finally here and I will be getting my elevation this week. I am nervous and excited all at the same time. The universe always answers the call.
Thank you.

goodbye

2007-12-31T14:56:00.001-08:00

So on the day before the New Years I pulled my usual two Goddess cards for the day to reflect on. Interestingly today I pulled the Butterfly Maiden and Freyja.

Here is what the butterfly Maiden says “You are experiencing enormous change right now, which brings great blessings.” Her card talks of transformation, “don’t be concerned about the endings because they’re bringing in the new for you. Let go of the old. Don’t worry about these changes – they’re truly for the best”.

Freyja’s card says “Unleash your adventurous side! Take risks and be daring.” Her card talks about not playing it safe, being bold, taking risks and making a bold life change.

So here ya go. This is what I want and NEED to leave behind going into the New Year. Names are not necessary. Let this message get to the universe and aid in being able to finally close that door and walk forward.

You hurt me but I love you. You abandoned me and I don’t understand but I don’t have to. I honor what you gave me and the hard lessons you have taught me, I am stronger.

At first I thought I would never trust people as much as I trusted you guys but now I know that isn’t true. Instead I have learned how to love more and know that sometimes when we love people we have to release them. Both of you taught me how to release and I value that lesson.

I will love harder, be a better friend, hug more, laugh more, release when I need to and enjoy this moment in ways I couldn’t before. Because today I am moving to a place you can’t go and that is my own raised vibration of spiritual being that has been enhanced by your lessons.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I release you. I release you. I release you both.

New developments

2007-12-25T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am in current negotiations (for lack of a better term) to do some work in a new metaphysical shop in the area. Looks like I will be doing tarot readings, doing workshops and helping to coordinate the schedule for the shop.

I am really excited at this potential opportunity and will keep you posted when things are firmed up a little.

Yuletide activities overload

2007-12-25T20:08:00.000-08:00

Blessed Yule everyone. I want to first start this blog by saying I am grateful for the family and friends that I have. I have so much abundance in my life and I try to remember everyday to be grateful for those things. Sometimes it is easier to remember my blessings than others but I am not one of those people that believes that the holiday season is a time to be nice. I believe that everyday is as important and the other and everyday is full of magic and blessings.

I got some awesome presents this year including lots of clothes and DVD's that I have wanted, including the new Harry and the final season of Charmed.

Within the last several weeks I have been on Yule and holiday overload. I have attended or hosted 6 rituals since the 9th of December, 3 in the last week.

I can honestly say that I have felt more of a solid connection to my tradition the more that I am in ritual space. Interestingly enough, Yule is not one of my favorite of Holy days but the Goddess obviously has another plan for me, even if I don't know what it is yet. I distinctly have felt like the Goddess is trying to orient me for being able to let go of my biases for this Sabbat and to be able to feel ok during the dark half. (for those who know me, you know that the dark half of the year is always super hard for me).

Since going thru all of the rituals, traditions and practices of this season, although it was one of the nicest Holiday seasons for me, I am glad it is over. AND on to the coming of the new year, 2008.

Thank the Goddess.

Brigit says Don't back down

2007-12-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

My Goddess Guidance Oracle card today is Brigit, "Don't back down". It says, Be assertive, don't worry about what others think, trust that your actions will work out fine, Speak your truth, stick to your opinions, put your foot down.

Ok, so I am sitting here on my lunch break thinking, that is what I am going to do today. I am going to make sure to speak my truth and not allow others to silence it. I am tired of feeling like speaking my truth will cause problems because others are unable to respect the viewpoints of others. Today I will speak my truth. And I am going to find a way to do that in those situations that I have worked hard to pull back on.

My attitude of gratitude

2007-12-07T22:23:00.001-08:00

I am grateful for:
Life and health. For the most part I am healthy and able to enjoy
life in ways that others can't
My family. I am grateful everyday that I am able to have them in my life.
My husband. I know I am lucky to have found him and have him support
me in every way.
A job. Even though I am struggling with this, I am grateful to still
have a job and be making enough money to live a wonderful life.
My home. Jon and I have been talking a lot about his job and some of
the homeless situations he deals with and I am so grateful to have
what I do.
The Coven. No matter what I am soooo grateful for the sisters in the
coven and being able to have such solid connections with others of
this faith.
This tradition. I am so grateful that Jody and I decided to kick
start it and that now there are others to help develop and carry this
tradition on.
My spirituality. Without this I am just a shell.
Friends. I am grateful to have a support base and people to share my
life with.
The present. I am so grateful that I understand that no matter what
has happened in the past, I only have the present. And it I honor the
present, I can create the future.

I think it is called a Godsmack

2007-12-03T05:34:00.001-08:00

Life is amazing, isn't it? There has been a series of recent incidents that have really stretched me and made me think outside of the normal box for me.

More recent incidents have really pushed me to not being able to deny the power of my own intuition. Many times I have thoughts and dismiss them quickly afterwards. But amazingly most of those "thoughts" are then confirmed and I am left thinking "why didn't I listen to myself before" or "I saw this coming". It is like the ultimate Godsmack, don't you just love that.

So, this year has been the year of so much change that it is hard to keep up with sometimes. I know that this year has made me stronger and given me more resources to cope with life and support others with life.....so I guess it is worth it in the end.

If my lessons can help me give to someone else then they are very valuable to me. It will also help to prepare me for future situations where I have to rely on either my knowledge of life or my instincts or intuition.

I am excited for the new year to come. I welcome a change in energy that will allow myself and those whom I care about to stabilize with the energy of the coming year. With a time period packed full of lessons, many of them the hard kind, a period of rest and reprieve is necessary. I feel like 2008 is going to be that year that brings about some rest and some much needed new beginnings for many people. 2008 will bring about the year of 10, or more commonly 1 (depending on the number system you use) which has a lot to do with rebirth. So still more active then balance but in the upward motion of creating the balance from this year.

I am looking forward to it. I am grateful for it. I know that I had to go through the lessons of this year to get to where I needed to go but I am glad it is coming to a end. I am ready to move past completion and onto renewal. I hope that everyone is able to get what they need out of the changes and energies this year. I hope everyone is actively working towards finding their center.

Blessed Be.

Quick update, more to come

2007-11-30T21:32:00.001-08:00

Life has been crazy and kicking my butt since the last time I have blogged. I do plan on doing some catch up blogging but have been busy trying to acclimate myself to a new job, working with my students, coven issues and family issues. I am glad that thanksgiving is over because it means we are that much closer to the end of the year.

I am preparing for the coming Solstice and Holiday. Whew, holidays are always stressful for me so I am always relieved when they are over.

Now that today is the last day for writing in Nanowrimo I will have more time to blog and catch everyone up.

Bear with me.
Blessings!

Living life on life's terms

2007-10-13T12:35:00.001-07:00

Thought I would chat about the transition of my job and adjusting to life. I will be transitioning out of one division and into another at the beginning of next month and it has been a super emotional trip to close the division that I have worked in for almost 8 months. I guess I didn't expect it to be as hard as it is.

I don't want to go into the details too much because at this point it is besides the point. The real point is that I have to adjust to what is happening regardless. Hasn't that been the huge lesson this year, taking the lessons of life and moving forward?

So I am preparing for the coming change. The weekend in the redwoods did me well because I got the chance to breath strong earth energy and cleaner air energy for 3 days solid. I was able to find my center and sit with it for three days without interruptions from the internet or cell phone. It did me good.

So I am on a rebirth of spiritual energy and motivation. I am an initiates of the Eleusinian mysteries, a believer of the redwoods and a student of the universe, so mote it be.

Journal entry from Saturday in the Redwoods

2007-10-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this journal entry from my camping trip to the redwoods.

10/6/07

I woke this morning from a long night in the cold, tired yet refreshed, home sick yet not ready to leave.

After several times of waking and falling back to sleep, I finally rose to the challenge of another day in the wilderness of the redwoods.

Sounds of laughter and community met my ears that promised love outside of my tent. I opened myself to the energy of the promise and found that piece of myself that commanded me to rise.

The moment of the coldness in the breath of the Goddess hit me like a hard reminder of my journey and the sleeping bag beckoned me to come back to safety where I can hide within myself. A thought passed that questioned whether I should stay here until tomorrow but I knew that my energy was moving outside of that tent, connecting to the wild pulse of the trees and this tent was too small to contain it.

With one foot in front of another I walk towards the embrace of the community waiting for me, and with silent kisses and energetic hugs they greet me by the fire.

With coffee in hand I sit inside the circle and greet the fire from the pit. "Oh great fire of the south, I am greeted by your warmth and embraced with your love. Oh great water of the west, I sip the warth of your liquid love and it runs thru me and reaches my core. Oh great earth of the north who greets me in her home among her redwoods and her children. Oh great air of the east, forever granting me with clarity and knowledge. You have not forsaken me and have come to open my mind."

Sitting here among the voices of my pagan brothers and sisters who are raising voices to the universe in all it's glory...I know I am alive. I am breathing and I can feel my soul. I can see the blessing in front of me and I can taste my future.

I hear you aging mother of the harvest. I hear you dying father of the coming winter. I hear you.

And the Water said by Ifalade Ta'Shia Asanti

2007-10-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

And the Water Said....By Ifalade Ta'Shia Asanti

A Poem For the 2005 Hurricane Katrina Survivors

All Rights Reserved @August 2005

And the water said, "listen!"

I am coming to show you truth

I am coming to shake the grains of sands beneath you

Show you that which is hidden but in plain view

And the water told us why she had come--

I have come to stroke the skin tones of America

To comb the roots of racism

Expose the scalp of discrimination

Make it bare like the parts of newly plaited hair

"Can you hear me," the water asked?

I'm here to purify these nations

To wash the streets clean of their denial

To reveal faulty foundations and forked tongues

And I shall not be ignored

And her rain created cities of tears

Waves of brutal reality

Demanding transformation

Commanding our world undone

She woke us early

When the white house phone line was busy

About a quarter to one she woke us

Before our comfort arrived in monthly envelopes

Made us remember the unity of a million maafas

Showed us how genocides join sons

She carried our vision to rooftops

Where the shepherd revoked our salvation

FEMA dollars transformed into tombstones

Homeland Security became a funeral home

And the water returned to her garden

An ailing levee beckoned her backwards

Back to the streets

Back to our homes

She wasn't sure we had remembered

She was sure that we had forgotten

And the water rose

She embraced our memories

Ran up our steps to our doorbells

She knocked but we didn't answer

She stretched higher and higher

Found us waiting in the sunlight

Waving to strangers in electronic birds

Whose wings made us invisible beneath the sleeping sun

Do you remember now she asked?

Do you remember Rwanda & Benin?

Do you remember the captive passage?

And she beckons us to forward

To new land

Under new realities

She calls us to independence

Not theirs, but our own

She turns our eyes inward

She moves our hands together

And the water said: "seek one another!"

Hear as you've never heard

Understand how you've never understood

I am parting my tide for your safe journey

So you may discover what I already know

You have survived

Let this message wash your ears alive

I am here with your salvation

I have delivered it on the words flowing from my tongue

And She retreated from their doorsteps and porches

Let the son return

She sent them into the wilderness

With prayers already done

Daughters of the ocean

Sons of the storm

Our God has not forsaken you

But come to reshape your love..

Let go and let the Gods....

2007-10-01T09:36:00.001-07:00

Isn’t it interesting how we always try to control those circumstances in our lives that are seemingly outside of our control to start with? Whether it is the job, family issues, friends, etc.

For me it is all of the above and the need to have everything ok. I want desperately to make good choices that will make everyone’s lives good, including my own. I think one of the things I am learning this year is that sometimes those things are not within my reach, nor are they my job or my business.

I have to learn how to let go and let the Gods (like they say in AA but without the “s” on God, LOL)

I am learning to remember that everyone has a path and every path has a process, including mine. So with that in mind, how am I suppose to know if this thing I consider to be a “road block” is an important part of building my future path? I don’t know that either way. And I forget to have faith in the hardest of situations.

So today I am trying desperately to hold onto the faith that I have and allow the universe, God and Goddess to do their job. I am learning to step back and be ok with not having the answers for the future, allowing the future to happen the way that my elders see fit.

This is hard but I know it is a necessary part of my growth spiritually and as a human being. Wish me luck, LOL!

My fullmoon labyrinth experience

2007-09-26T15:50:00.001-07:00

I didn’t know what to expect on my labyrinth experience for I have never done it before. Obsidian, Ariana and I went into a corner on the side of the labyrinth and blessed each other with meditation oils and then we headed for the opening.

There were several things that happened in the beginning of my walking meditation that became very profound in my meditation. As soon as I began walking the maze my lower back began to hurt. I was surprised by this and couldn’t understand why it was hurting.

As I was walking it was hard for me to focus my thoughts in the beginning. The beautiful live music was playing, candles were lit and the repetitive sound of stomping feet helped me begin the process of moving deeper into my meditative self.

I noticed as I was walking how much anxiety I had around going thru the maze, feeling scared that I would fall off the trail and mess everything up. I had this feeling like if I fell off the trail and messed up that I would be responsible for messing up everyone else’s path. I had a lot of anxiety over parts of the labyrinth that were harder to see, like I could not see the path clearly and didn’t know where I was going.

Walking the maze was hard, my back was still hurting and I was tired. Every time I thought we were at the end another curve would come and take me away from the middle, the prize. And finally I made it to the middle.

I felt such a sense of relief and accomplishment. We got to the middle; hugged each other and then I sat on the rock. I was thinking, “Whew, that was hard”. And then I had this realization that I had to go back and do it all over again to get out. It was at that moment that everything came into view. I understood what this meant and how it applied to my life.

It was showing me that I have to work hard and it is painful but it doesn’t stop. Once I finally reach the destination I can rest and regroup. I can revel in the accomplishment but then I have to get ready to get back into the fight. I don’t get to stay at the rock.

As that realization hit me I started to cry. I started to understand that my journey is in the journey. My lessons will come from the journey and not from the accomplishment. So who am I to think I have the answers or know what to expect when that is not in my control. What IS in my control is my ability to move forward and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

What also made sense to me was that I get focused on the outcome and don’t stay present in the journey. Instead of walking the maze and allowing myself to turn the corners with ease, I was trying to rush to the middle and would lose my balance. And just like in life I lose my balance with the twists and turns.

So I geared myself up, sat with my coven sisters and cried, then got up and started my journey again. This time I took my time coming out. I didn’t walk slower but I did take my time around the corners. My back didn’t hurt and I was able to enjoy the journey a little more. I got out of the labyrinth and felt that sense of excitement and joy once again but I knew that my journey had only just begun.

New Moon power

2007-09-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

I sat with my husband tonight and we meditated for hours on our porch with the incense burning and music playing. It was interesting because when we were driving home I noticed the smell of fall in the air and the crispness of the air. But I felt such a heaviness on my chest, a sadness. As we were driving in the traffic we passed a overpass that had a ton of flags hanging and people standing there waving at the traffic. I knew in that moment the energy I was feeling was the residual energy of what many people were feeling and thinking about today. 9/11.

So tonight when I sat on the patio and allowed the elements to wash over and ground me, I knew the connection that I had with the divine energy was very strong in this moment. I could feel the collective energy of the community, I could feel my husbands energy, I felt the power of the earth/air/fire/water, and I harnessed the spirit within me. Interesting how in one moment I felt so connected to everything and to everyone.

It was also interesting that during the meditation, there was times when I could feel myself expanding my energy. Does that make sense....like pushing my energy field beyond that of my aura. Something I will continue to work with....

Blessings of new beginning, new power and the new moon to all.

Multicolored Momma

2007-08-23T14:20:00.001-07:00

Multicolored Momma
From the book Jambalaya by Luisah Teish (I strongly recommend)

My sweet coffee skin
Hold secrets in its shade,
Whispers silent warning
To a black and white world

Do not box me in
In your narrow racial jackets,
Too tight to move in,
Too thin to wear.

My brown pores bleed
With the sweat of many nations,
Generations of colors
Ooze down my arm.

My Bantu behind
Plays the drums of dancing griots,
Telling stories with my sway
Singing songs with each step.

My high Choctaw cheekbones
Love the Mississippi Delta.
Remembers Running Cloud’s daughter
And the Red Man gone.

My breast angle ‘round
Like the dark gypsy wenches.
Crescent moons touch my belly
Silver slithers on my throat.

My almond eyes sparkle
To the sound of Eastern jingles
Glass chimes dress my eyelids
Tinkling bells kiss my brow.

My dirty red hair
Speaks of crazy Cajun cousins,
Talks of faire Creole ladies
And their dark Spanish men.

My Tibetan thighs open
And the Red Sea splits.
My soft lips part
Between Dahomey and Brazil.

My sweet coffee skin
Holds secrets in its shade,
Whispers silent warnings
To a black and white world.

I will not wear
Your narrow racial jackets
As the blood of many nations
Runs sweetly thru my veins.

The REAL New Orleans

2007-08-15T09:42:00.001-07:00

Finding words to express the frustration and anger I feel for the people of New Orleans is hard. I knew from the beginning of this trip that I wanted to see and experience the real New Orleans and not the tourist trap of the French quarter that everyone uses to represent the city. And in reality the quarter is a small part of a large community called New Orleans.

Growing up as a minority, specifically a black girl, we are raised and accustom to the concept of family and community going beyond bloodlines. So when I look at the devastation of a community like NOLA it is like watching my family suffer. I am not separate from that of the black community.

So in turn I found my continued frustration mounting as I watched people coming into the city, partying or vacationing in the French quarter while the people of New Orleans were living in trailers and run down buildings. I rode around with Jody and got to see what the people of New Orleans have to deal with on a daily basis and it felt like a crime to come into their city and not honor them by coming into their neighborhoods and supporting their local stores.

The conditions they have to live in are depressing and down right devastating but how could I ignore them? How could I act like my money is too good to be spent in their poor towns? How could I act like my partying or shopping in the French Quarter was supporting the families of New Orleans when in reality that is just selfish and self serving. Let’s be honest here. Being in the French Quarter, eating their food and drinking do not constitute supporting the families of New Orleans. It is not a selfless act.

I can not help all the families of New Orleans, even if my heart wants to. But what I could do was show some respect to them which is a lot more than they have received from the tourists and their own government. I could go to their neighborhoods, smile at them, buy coffee in a local shop and take the wool off of my eyes. Those people deserve the world to see how they have to live. They are not monkeys that tap dance in front of the tourists who throw money at them to survive. Or better yet, maybe they are. And who is responsible for that? I sure as hell will not be.

I made a pact with myself that I would not do to them what the world has done to them. I will not turn a blind eye to their community because it is too ugly to see right now. While people are coming in airplanes to party in one of the poorest cities with the highest crime rates in the United States, there are people who cannot afford to live.

A man working at the airport was telling us how his mortgage is 1050.00 a month for his 1300 sq. foot house. And after Katrina his payment raised to 1700.00 plus because of insurance. He talked about how the government has a clause that prevents interference into insurance matters in Louisiana. So they are stuck without a paddle and while cost of living goes up, the living wage stays the same.

On the flight home I sat next to this sweet boy, probably about 10 years old, who was flying home to his mom in Atlanta. Well, this was his new home because he was originally from New Orleans and was relocated after Katrina. He talked about wanting to go back home to NOLA but couldn’t afford it and there was nothing to go back to. Wow!!! And we have the nerve to think that everything is back to normal when there are still families displaced.

So next time you decide to take a trip to New Orleans, don’t shit on the locals by pretending that Katrina didn’t happen. Don’t turn your head from the devastation they see every morning when leaving their bed. Show them the respect that they deserve. Eat at their local restaurants, shop in their stores, smile and say good morning to them. Show them that we still remember what happened and we know they are still suffering.

And the Saga continues,....NOLA part two

2007-08-13T22:55:00.001-07:00

And the Saga continues onto day two. We are up at 8am (6am California time and I am exhausted) and we are showered and out of the hotel to get to a café with free wifi. We are sipping our morning coffee drinks while Jody is making phone calls from the list and searching the internet. To make a long story short we did the following things within a very short period of time:

Walked and boarded Karma at the local vet
Café, phone calls and internet search
Set appt with real-estate agent
Searched and canvassed the neighborhood of this new apartment
Went into the apartment (door open) and looked around
Met with agent
Signed lease and got keys to the new place
Drove into downtown and ate lunch (Mother’s po boy sandwich)

All before 3:00!!!! Who said witches can’t make things happen…………

Being on the natural high of accomplishment, we did some shopping, more planning, eating (some of the best friend chicken and baked mac and cheese) and even went to see Jamil play some jazz at a local bar.

Saturday we kicked butt, woke up early and had beignets and frozen café ole’s. We managed to get shopping at Walmart, buy a new bed, eat a soul food lunch, get the bed delivered, more shopping and a dinner at the Gumbo shop. Things seemed to be calming down and although they were busy, things were ok.

Sunday we wake up early again, go to breakfast at Brennen’s and I had the best banana’s foster ever!! We decided to walk and get the car to park it closer to the hotel to load and while we were walking Jody told me about her dream that the car was towed.

Yup!!! You guessed it. We walked for about 15 minutes or so just to turn the corner and see an empty space where we left the car!!! The freakin car was towed.

We got back to the hotel, got a ride to the “pound” where they kept the car. About an hour later and 120.00 spent on fees, we were back at the hotel and loading up our luggage. From there the rush was on to complete everything and get the car returned and me back to the airport on time.

We made it. And I must say, this weekend was insane and stressful but nothing compared to saying goodbye to my sister. That was one of the hardest things I think I have had to do. I turned my face as I walked past the lady who checked my ID to attempt to hide my face for fear of making Jody more upset. (I don’t know if that worked)

I got thru the security and waved another hand at my friend that I love so much. Happy, sad, excited to go home and heartbroken all at the same time, I walked until I couldn’t see her anymore. I called Jon, did a little more shopping and boarded the plane for a safe flight home.

Day one of my crazy trip to New Orleans

2007-08-13T22:30:00.001-07:00

I am going to do several blogs regarding the experience of the last weekend in New Orleans. I decided to do that so that one blog would not be too long and therefore not scare people away from reading them, LOL.

For those who may not know, I went to New Orleans with one of my closest friends who was moving there. This has been a long and hard lead up to this trip that would bring closure to this move that has been a long time in the making.

We flew out of the Oakland Airport Thursday morning at 8:00am. We flew into Los Angeles and caught our connecting flight to New Orleans. This process went smooth and without a hitch but after this point in the trip almost nothing went as planned.

We got off the plane and went to get the rental car. That was a nightmare and after struggling with the bank and the change in costs for the vehicle, we decided to rent the car for the next four days and return it when I flew home Sunday. From the airport we went to Jody’s new apartment in New Orleans.

As we got off the freeway and drove further into the neighborhood, with every turn we took the atmosphere continued to change drastically. The further we drove, the more “in the hood” we got. Looking around we saw people standing on the corner drinking alcohol, drug deals right in front of us, tennis shoes hanging on the telephone wires, a kid riding down the street on a bike with no shoes on, abandon building all around us and the projects were 2 blocks away.

I was in total shock and afraid to speak what was on my mind for fear of upsetting Jody and insulting her new place where she had a new lease, so I kept mostly quiet. After meeting the landlord and leaving we were driving away and there were two guys (obviously high on what I would assume was crack) standing in the middle of the street. I think this is the thing that took the cake. We got several blocks away and Jody finally spoke. And her words were “Crystal, I can’t breath. I can’t live there”.

And from there the conversation began. We knew we had just entered the infamous “hoods” of New Orleans that are known for some of the highest murder and death stats in the United States. We knew that this was one of the worst situations we could be in at this very moment.

We drove to the hotel, got inside our room and low and behold the air conditioner was broken. After finding the number and calling the hotel owner we then sat there and waited in the terrible heat until he could come and fix the air. At about 9:30pm we had air and just enough energy to walk and get dinner.

Of course all the restaurants were closing and unable to serve us so we walked back to the hotel and got a cheeseburger across the street. Sitting in the burger shop we began talking to the two waiters and asking about apartments. Jody told them she thinks she rented an apt in a not so good area. One of the guys asked, “How far is it from Orleans Ave”. Jody told them 2 blocks and both guys said “Oh hunny that is the hood!!!” Needless to say, that was the confirmation we needed but was hoping wasn’t true.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of tears, hysterical laughter, brain storming, hugging, phone calls, holding hands, prayers………………until we fell asleep.

And this was my first night in New Orleans. What a welcome.……………………….. hot, hungry, sad, scared and trying to reassure my newly homeless and discouraged friend that I love dearly.

Loss, gain and change......"and the balance of the wheel goes round and round"

2007-08-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

So many things have happened since I last blogged. I have been feeling a little unmotivated to blog or even update the podcast. As things are slowing down some I am working hard to get back on track with those things.

It has been a year of trials, rewards, surprises and grief. This week marks a very important end to a phase of my life. Jody and I fly out to New Orleans tomorrow and on Sunday I will leave her there and fly home alone. It has been a long countdown and one full of conflicting feelings and anxiety. I am excited to go with her, anxious to leave without her. But I am confident that the universe is working in our lives and we have to keep walking despite the confusion at times.

Several special things have happened in my life as well. Robert joined Spiral Scouts and we are having a good time being involved in meeting new Pagan families and giving him a forum to learn. That was something I have thought of off and on for the past several years and was excited that a local chapter opened.

Also, July 14th I recieved my green cord from the DSM tradition and was initiated to 3rd degree. I haven't really shared that with anyone since it happened for various reasons but feel like it is important to be able to share. I have not officially gotten my 3rd degree from FWTI yet and awaiting the opportunity to figure out the travel plans that will allow the official ceremony. I am hoping to do that this year sometime, if finances permit.

I also was blessed to be a part of watching three people attain thier 2nd degree initiations. That was such a rewarding and humbling experience. I guess it was interesting to watch others walk that journey with me to attaining degrees and feeling so happy and excited for thier accomplishments. And then I thought, how come I can't be happy and excited for mine? Hmmm, I am still pondering that thought.

Working towards my goals have always been so bitter sweet. I have experienced a lot of things in the almost 5 years of studying for my 3rd degree from others that I didn't expect and in turn got hurt or saddened by. The whole "crabs in a barrel, pulling eachother down" applies so much in this path.

I love being able to see others work hard and accomplish thier goals because it helps me remember what I am doing and why. And that is such a spiritual experience and a lesson to not allow others insecurities to make me question my own excitement.

So today I am living in the present and riding the surf board in the ocean of change. The waters are a little rough right now but every wave that I ride gives me a sense of completion and hope.

Until next time, "Hang loose dude". Or better yet, Blessed Be.

The year of 9, completion

2007-06-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

The year of 9, completion

So many things are happening in this year of 2007. It is interesting because it is the year of 9 in numerology and 9 is the number of completion. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, not sure where it is taking me but sure it is taking me somewhere.

There has been a combination of strides and losses this year so far on the quest of completion. We have moved (again), one of my best friends and spiritual sister is moving, loss of two people I cared a lot about and felt were my friends, promotion to director after a bumpy road, upcoming completion of 3rd degree, Jon got a new job with lots of promise, grandson was born, niece was born and the list goes on.

This year has been full of in your face realizations that have made me have to stop and re-evaluate myself and my place in the world. My spiritual mentor Dia has said a lot of things thru this transition and recently had a conversation with me about having to figure out my place and responsibilities as a 3rd degree High Priestess. At the time she was talking about something specific but I have sat with that thought since our conversation last week. Mainly because I never look at myself that way. I don’t look at myself as a 3rd degree, etc but also because I realized that I don’t know how to do that. And I think that is one of the reasons why the year of the 9 has been so life changing and powerful for me. It is time to change.

I am scared to death of what that means. I don’t know where this road is heading. But I do know that the time has come where all my work over the years is ready to be put into place. I think this year is meant to be a shedding of my old self and transition into the new. The universe is reminding me, thru all of my fears, that this path is mine and I must walk it. And although I will have people who love me and are here for me, I must walk it alone and find my destiny.

I think it is trying to help me find another way of looking at the people and things in my life and also to finding my own power. I need to come to the realization that my power is in me. I need to stop being afraid of it inorder to embrace my destiny.

Whew, even saying that brings up fear for me. But I do know what I need to do. And whether I like it or not, 2007 is the year to do it. And the universe is pushing hard.

Lisa Gerrard, another legend

2007-05-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I got to see two of the most incredible singers in one month. And once again, Jody was awesome enough to take me with her.

Lisa Gerrard sang at the Palace of Fine arts in San Francisco. We got there and the venue was gorgeous outside. We got inside and saw the stage and it was so elegant. There was this soft white material draped on the stage. She came out, escourted by someone. She was in this beautiful blue dress and stood on the stage. She didn't say a word and just started singing some of the most beautiful words I had ever heard. (although I couldn't understand what they were saying)

She sang that way without talking thru any of the songs. She changed halfway thru the set into a beautiful white dress and continued to bellow out some of the purest sounds I have ever heard.

She didn't speak one word until the end of the show when she thanked her assistant and thanked the audience.

She had such a mysterious quality about her that intrigued me to want to know more about her story.

Another beautiful and spiritual night of live music. Thank you Jody.
Blessings.

Loreena Mckennitt, the legend

2007-05-27T11:16:00.000-07:00

I went to see Loreena at the Paramount with Jody (my birthday treat) and she was incredible!! I wasn't sure what to expect, all I knew was that I have loved her music for a couple of years now and never expected another album. And when I got the notice that An Ancient Muse was coming out, I was shocked. And when Jody told me she was coming out to Oakland for concert, I was further shocked.

The paramout was packed with people there for the same reason. She was beautiful and sang like an angel. I turned around and told Jody that this was like having a 2 and 1/2 hour spiritual experience. She was incredible.....words cannot describe.

She danced and sang and talked about the history of the celts and her travels that inspired each song. I was amazed by her stories and her travels.

Absolutely one of the best experiences of my life.

Working on third degree

2007-05-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

I am on the tale end of the 3rd degree studies and I am finding that I am not struggling with the work but instead struggling with my emotions around it.

So as you know or have read, I recently went through a situation with some "friends" who are no longer a part of my life. And with this crew many of the "issues" revolved around thier impressions that I was full of myself and fighting for power. Neither of which is true and I do understand that thier issues with me really have little to do with me and more to do with what they don't like when they look in the mirror. But never the less, these were the reasons used to portray me as someone I am not.

When doing work with my mentor around why I am stuck and sitting in this place where I just haven't finished my third degree requirements, I came to a good conclusion that it is situations like this that make it harder for me complete. I have created this core belief in my head that when I am successful at something, people will be upset with me.

I have less than a weeks worth of assignments to do and can't finish because I am afraid someone else will be upset with me for accomplishing my goals. Sounds ridiculous and sometimes core beliefs are.

I know that I only have myself to prove anything to. And I also know that it takes an extremely insecure person to be offended by another's accomplishments. And I don't care about the feelings of those who are not my friends anymore. So it is just a matter of removing those core beliefs that no longer serve me so that I may continue to grow.

Dia is hopefully coming out here late summer to do my initiation. I can't wait.

The New Hearth

2007-05-07T09:57:00.001-07:00

We moved in on April 7th. It is a nice home and we are all comfortable in it. Throughout all the stress and worry, we found a nice place that suites our family better than the one we just moved from.

So after a month in the new home, business is back to normal. We are all settled in and have even mowed the lawn twice. Robert is enjoying the backyard the most and loves to use his scooter on the back covered patio. My mom is enjoying the fact that it is one level and she isn't going up steps anymore. But she is still getting exercise by walking the length of the house since it is long and on a double lot.

I think the Jon, Kevin and I are just enjoying the fact that there is a family room with a seperate space for privacy.

The universe, Lord and Lady heard our prayers and answered. We were able to get enough money from various sources to pay for everything we needed. Including getting a lot of our security deposit back from the other house when it felt like the landlord was set on finding ways to keep our money. In the end, he was fair.

And once again we are renewed in our faith in spirit and in the power of manifestation.

Meeting Kim Harrison

2007-03-24T00:48:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of meeting the author Kim Harrison tonight. She was great. She came to the Barnes and Nobles in Oakland as a part of her tour for the new book. She read a part of the new book to the audience and then did a question and answer session. She had a great sense of humor and was really down to earth.

I got some great pics of her and my book signed. I am excited to read the new book!

Thanks Kim!!
Blessed Be!!!!

The fight for power

2007-02-26T21:13:00.000-08:00

I always find it interesting that people try to fight for power when there is no fight. I have come across these types of people who have a feeling of inferiority when around others who are outspoken or who are take charge people.

I would like to say to people like this, get over yourself. Other people are not doing things to challenge your place in the world. Sometimes people are just who they are and it is really your issue (not thiers) that you feel threatened by them.

It is actually sad and funny at the same time. I think my personality and drive to get things done seem to attract these kinds of people and then inevidably creates tension that is unwarranted.

Fortunatley I get that and I am not in the business of finding power by creating struggles with others. I am grateful that I do not feel the need to discover my own self worth by standing on the feet of others.

I wish everyone could find that within themselves and stop looking for your worth as a person or a leader through the eyes of another. If you need that kind of validation from others in order to be an upstanding leader, you will never make it. Good luck and Blessed be.

Pantheacon

2007-02-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

I had an incredible experience at Pantheacon on Saturday. Mica and Ariana came and picked me up at about 7:20 in the morning and we were on the way to pick up Jade and her friend. We arrived at the Double Tree hotel at about 8:20AM and parked and checked into the festival.

Being the witches that we are, we had already picked out and organized what we were going to participate in at the festival and that was a process in itself. With 13 choices to pick from in the 9:00AM timeslot, we felt it was necessary to do before hand. So, we already knew we were going to a ritual in the morning for awakening the self with the CAYA coven.

I have met the leader of this coven a couple of times and she is wonderful in my memory of her. And when we went into the ritual room, she was more incredible than I had remembered and that is saying a lot. The ritual was memorable for me. She was beautiful with such grace and presence. She sang with the most beautiful voice and it was so moving for me.

There was a part of the ritual where we were opening ourselves to ourselves and receiving whatever we needed, and the drum was playing in the background and we began to sing this beautiful song. I found myself sobbing and was quite taken aback from it in the beginning. There was something so profound within the ritual that was exactly what I needed in that very moment and asking for the way to be open to me. I realize it was a much needed cry and one that was full of gratitude and love for the beauty of this path that I have found in Paganism.

After the ritual and many tears later, I thanked her for her gifts. And we were off to our next amazing journey in the land of Pantheacon.

So our next seminar was with the beautiful soul called Christopher Penczak on the topic of Invocation, channeling and the oracular mysteries. And I can honestly say he was such a dynamic, down to earth and brilliant presenter. I am not sure how else to describe how great he was. I was so fascinated by not just the topic but his delivery and was unable to take effective notes, LOL!!

At the end of the session he guided us through a meditation to go into trance and speak with the gate keeper and possibly make contact with a spirit or deity to possibly build a relationship with for future invocation work.

I had one of the most interesting meditation experiences I have ever had. Several things presented themselves to me that had a lot of symbolism. The tree I visualized was huge and full of life and large bushy leaves. When walking past the stream in the meditation, a spider tangled in string, not web but man made string, was trying desperately to get to me. My gate keeper was clearly my spirit guide Halmina and she was her usual loving self. When I walked across the bridge to meet the spirit, there was no doubt that it was Cerridwen sitting in front of her cauldron. She was telling me that I needed to build my house. And then there were several flashes of a toilet that was broken. And she made reference to not being able to get rid of my waste, specifically emotional waste.

She talked about what she wanted from me was to give knowledge to others in exchange for her wisdom and guidance.

There is so much in that visualization and I knew almost immediately what a lot of it was referring to.

Before the seminar, Mr. Penczak signed a book for me. I thanked him for writing me an email once on one of my articles that he liked. I honestly didn’t expect him to remember me or anything remotely close, but wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write a personal message to someone like me regarding a piece of my soul he read via the internet. Those things are important to those like me who are just stepping out and learning to put their work out in a large medium. He immediately said, “oh yeah, Witchvox right? I remember that article, it was a good one”. I was so shocked because I hadn’t told him my name, the name of the article or where the article was. I had just said thank you and he actually remembered my work. What a nice blessing he gave to me and heprobably doesn’t even realize what it means to me.

After the seminar, Mr. Penczak let me take a picture of him, what a sweet man.

My next seminar was Margot Alder, writer of Drawing down the Moon. What a dynamic woman, full of unbelievable knowledge. She was able to talk about preparing the revision for the book after 15 years and all the new information, people, traditions and growth that the pagan community has made. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to her and all her knowledge. I was able to also get my book signed by her and a picture taken with her, which was an extra blessing.

The next seminar was on Gardenarian historical documents and information. It was an incredible and informative seminar that provided lots of information into the history of Wicca from the Gardner days.

We were so exhausted after 4 seminars that were 1 ½ hours long each that we decided to check out the vendors and then go do something we hadn’t done all day……….eat.

Of course there was lots of awesome vendors. I got my long desired amethyst runes and a Libana CD I didn’t have.

After shopping, we ended up at the Olive garden for dinner and then drove home.

What a beautiful day of exploration, community, knowledge and love. Thank the Gods for my ability to not only afford to go but also have wonderful coven sisters to go with and for having such amazing speakers to send a much needed message to my ears today.

Life, disappointments and dreams

2007-01-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the challenge of life can be confusing, especially when you follow a path of the universe and try to find the mysteries as they are brought to you. I find that many times, I am trying to connect the lessons I am suppose to learn with the events that are happening in my life and sometimes there is no other connection besides the fact that life sucks sometimes. And coming to a place to "live life on life’s terms" sucks, can be confusing and it hurts.

But I also find that there are those events that are just life in motion with no rhyme or reason, and we find that we still become stronger by just walking through the turmoil that is considered life. I am always a person that looks at someone and measures my insides by their outsides and then wonder why everyone else’s life is so smooth sailing. But I continue to come to a place of understanding that life is full of trials and no matter how someone elses life looks like it is smooth; they are learning their lessons too. And most likely they are looking at another person’s life and doing the same thing by judging their lives against another.

I have found lately that the more out of control my life feels, the harder I am working to control the areas in my life that I can control. The best example of this is my house. I have been cleaning excessively lately. I think it is like measuring how my life is based on how my house looks and the messier it is, the messier I feel inside.

It gives me a pretty clean house most of the time but doesn’t really address the feelings of uncertainty that are happening inside. I think there is a certain piece of acceptance that I am struggling with understanding. Accepting that life is full of mysteries and I am not meant to understand them all. Accepting that life is painful sometimes and that it is the journey that makes my soul grows, so either way I am still moving in the right direction. It is understanding that it is not always my issue that I am forced to deal with and I have a choice not to take on other people’s baggage. I have enough of my own and I don’t have to carry someone else’s too. It is accepting that everyone has an opinion and although it is right to them, that is their truth within their world view and has very little to do with me.

I am grateful that I have learned enough in my journey to get me this far in my understanding but I know I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go.

Sometimes these things happen and they have such spiritual significance that they can’t go unnoticed. Last week I started having these interesting dreams and two stick out immediately. One dream where I found out that my husband was cheating on me with a friend. I remember feeling such a sense of betrayal from both parties. It was such a real dream that I woke up and said to my husband, "thanks for cheating on me and ruining the family". Oh course he had no idea what I was talking about until I could calm down enough to tell him of the dream.

The second dream was a couple of days later and I dreamed I was seeing a person who is really close to my heart, although I don’t see him much. Paul was in my dream and he came over to me and we hugged for a while. And he told me how much he missed me and how I will always be an important person in his life. And I remember crying in the dream because I had missed him so much. And then I noticed that he had on a hospital gown and he told me he was really sick. I remember not knowing if that meant he was dying and leaving me again.

From there the dream changed a little and we were standing, arm in arm, in front of my old friend casket. I remember sobbing in Paul’s arms and explaining that I watched him die and could never forget the look on his face. I felt such despair for the loss I was feeling that it was overwhelming.

I woke up from this dream crying and had a hard time coping all day.
How interesting that those dreams mirror the feeling of loss that are creeping into my life right now.

When the universe speaks, I will listen. I am listening now although I am not sure what lesson it is I am suppose to be learning. But I am listening………………still listening.

Thank the gods the holiday is over!

2007-01-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

So I don't know if anyone else has the feeling of relief that comes at the end of the holidays but I do. I am so darned glad they are over that I don't know what to do. All the pressure, financial problems, parties, white elephant games, etc. I will just be glad to have weekends back to myself and less pressure to make the world happy.

New years was good for the most part. Spent it with family. Started off the new years with drama but thus is life. the family will be fine, like always.

A close friend's mom died this past weekend and that has made me very sad for her. Sometimes things happen and we fell so powerless in life.

I am looking forward to getting together wth the ladies to do a fullmoon ritual on Wednesday. I think we can all use it.

life and the coming of the sun!

2006-12-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

Well, life is full of curve balls and we can never anticipate the route that the universe has chosen for our lives at any given time. But besides all of that, life is good. I was driving back from the hair dresser yesterday and the thought crossed my mind that I am really happen with our new surroundings and the move. I feel good driving thru the city and looking at the neighborhood in which we now live. I feel such pride at being able to accomplish this for my family.

The holidays are here and with the holidays come such different ranges of stress. I can say that we luckily finished all of our shopping early this year and do not have to rush the last couple of weeks before the holiday. but it is such a hardship to worry about money, gifts, parties, visits, etc. I will be happy when the holidays are winding down and life goes back to some sense of normalcy.

Yule on the other hand, I am happy Yule is here. the coming of Yule brings the rebirth of the sun and the first glimpses of the growing of the sun back into our lives. and the opportunity for renewal and rebirth. I am looking forward to the new year and the possibilities it brings.
I send lots of yuletide blessings to all. May you find peace in the rebirth of the sun and the coming of the light.

Blessings!! Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays. Bring back the sun!

Robert's lost tooth

2006-12-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

So, Robert was at a birthday party on Sunday. He was running and tripped and hit his mouth on the shoe rack and busted his mouth open. By the time he got home to me his tooth was hanging and we had to take him to an emergency dental appointment. So he is now missing his front tooth, swollen lips and a cut on his chin.

Thanksgiving Cheer, or something like that

2006-11-27T18:06:00.000-08:00

The big feasting holiday has past and it makes it all that much more real that Yule and the Winter holiday is that much closer. I hate how the Season has become more and more commercialized thru the years. It takes away all the specialness of the season and instead makes it more about money and shopping.

Thanksgiving was great as usual. Jon's family came over and Jody came over. We ate lots of food and wow the greens, mac and cheese and ham were so darned good. We just all sat around and talked the whole night. Banana pudding, pecan pie and my famous pumkin pie were deserts for the evening.

I spent the rest of the weekend reading for my degree studies, shopping and cleaning. I got word back from my second degree mentor from witchschool to tell me that i passed the 2nd degree final with a 97%!!! So I am finished with my degree studies with them and working on my third degree with FWTI.

I have been missing Marian and my dad lately. Two people I care a lot about and am not able to be with for one reason or another. I had plans on seeing Marian this weekend but Joey is sick and I wasn't able to come over. So I will shoot for next weekend.

Anyhow, that is a quick update on things, holidays and life. And the holiday crap has just begun!

Blessed Be

haunted happenings in California

2006-11-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, so we had the ancestor altar set up, the candle lit and did dinner to celebrate them. As we sat around the table, we told great stories of our family that had passed.

So, around 9:00pm I went into the kitchen to throw something in the trash and all was well. About 10 minutes later Kevin went into the kitchen and the front door was wide open. Our front door is not easy to open so we immediately felt strange. Jon got up and checked things out. I got out the sage stick and began saging the house.

When I came back downstairs from saging Jon said, "I don't wanna freak you out but someone knocked at the door". Obviously there was no one there. He said it was a wierd knock, like it was far away or something. And he said he definatley felt something when it happened. (for those of you who don't know, Jon is energy sensitive)

So, needless to say, we saged some more. We then broke down the ancestor altar, thanked them but sent them on thier way and then sat to watch a movie.

Everything else seemed fine and nothing else happened after that. But it was definatley a weird experience. LOL!

I am not sure why all of a sudden I am spirit sensitive, but it is creepy.
Many blessings.

Samhain is here and the wheel is a turnin

2006-10-30T22:43:00.001-08:00

Well, the new year is here. I am excited. I think this year has had a lot of things for me and I am looking forward to continuing the momentum of growth into the next year. There have been some good and definatley some bad but for the most part I can look back at the past year and see why I have had to go thru each and everything thing.

In ritual the other night we buried what we were giving back to the mother goddess (and keeping the lessons we have learned) and then put our wishes into the Cerridwen's brew to drink into the coming year. I see big things ahead for me this year.

I plan on finishing my book on balance and Walking the path of a true Wiccan. I see editing the kids book that i finished over a year ago on yule. (and hopefully some publishing stuff too) I see finishing the third degree. I see continued growth for the Danse of the Spirit Moon tradition, FWTI (Family Wiccan Traditition) and the Rise of the Phoenix Moon family trad that my family carries. Whew, that was a mouth full!!!

I see great growth with the FWTI and where that is going. I am nervous about the possibility of unexpected, fast growth but I know that we are going to take this to new places that other organizations in the Wiccan community have not gone. I am excited about that. I never expected to be nominated to become a board member of FWTI and am honored to serve.

I see continued stability for the family and where we want to go in our life. We are closer than ever and continuing to hang tight threw all the storms. The goddess put us together for a reason and we are all holding on tight.

So, this year should be great for everyone and I am looking forward to another wonderful year that will help me grow in my path to enlightenment. (I am working on it, LOL)

Many blessings to all. Blessed Samhain! Blessed Harvest!! Celebrate the cycle of death and rebirth.

Blessed Be
Rev. Crystal

studying for 3rd degree

2006-10-30T22:43:00.000-08:00

So the people who are in my everyday life know the stuggle that has happened in the last several years. There have been many ups and many, many downs as well. And thus is life. I have been very grateful for the opportunities I have been given to grow within my spritual path because I feel like it has been the one consistent thing in the storms that have passed me and my family.

So, the time has finally arrived where I am studying for my third degree. It is strange because I am overly critical of myself and have held myself back for fear that I was not ready. But I am slowly coming to a place of understanding that I am ready. It has been a long time coming. And after talking to someone who is very special in my spiritual path (Thanks Dia) I am beginning to really understand that I am not that far away. There are some things I definatley have to work on but I am further a long than I gave myself credit for.

So right now, I am really settling into the place I am at in my journey. Between the SSC sisters, The Dance of the Spirit moon tradition (shout out to Jody) and FWTI, I am quite happy with wear my journey is leading me.

And not to mention, I AM WORKING ON THAT BOOK!!!

Blessed Be!