Saturday, December 25, 2010
9:56 PM | 
Posted by
Crystal Blanton
I am not a huge around the thought of new years resolutions and wanting to be something different at the beginning of the year. I have the usual thought that people use that one point in the year to be different than they are instead of working all year at making necessary changes. This year I have the same beliefs and do not feel that I need the new year in order to make some decisions about myself. Instead I would like to enter the new year of 2011 with a clean slate, leaving behind some of the things from 2010 that it is time to release and move beyond.
Often people carry around the baggage that accumulates from events and carry them around everyday, weighing them down and tiring them out. This is something we talk about in rehab counseling all the time, finding a way to identify old baggage and then giving yourself permission to let it go. This is something I am very familiar with, not just from saying it to others but from living this in my personal life. I have always had the type of personality that thinks about things until I have processed it and then am able to start the process of release. This is not a pattern that I developed this year, but one that I have had for as long as I can remember.
So moving into 2011 is very important to me because it is another step towards the releasing of multiple layers of grief throughout the year and making a decision to not take it with me. That is very scary because it means that I am stepping into another unknown layer of my life. I know that the multiple stages of grief are not done and that is not something that can be controlled in that way but it does mean that I starting fresh knowing that the last year is taking me towards something I might not understand but a knowing that something is coming. By releasing I am opening myself to new experiences, new people and new opportunities to love and find love in the world.
As with Iyanla Vanzant's book In the Meantime, not all things or all people are meant to last in your life. These things are but stepping stones to different levels of living, whether the experience is good or bad. "When you are not happy where you are, and you are not quite sure if you want to leave or how to leave, you are in the meantime. Its a state of limbo. You are hanging on, ready to let go, afraid to fall, not wanting to hurt yourself, afraid you will hurt someone else. In the meantime, you pray the other person will let go first so that you will not feel guilty." - Iyalna Vanzant - In the Meantime.
I think that quote says it all. I know what my mom would want from me. She would want me to stay solid in who I am and in being proud of that. She would want me to be the best mother I can possibly be. She would tell me to love myself and say fuck it to those who are not with me. She would tell me to focus on being happy and whole, not allowing life or anyone to get me down.
So it is not a new years resolution, something I start on a day and then don't follow through with, like so many others. It is a reminder that the next phase has begun and the rest is now the past.... one of purpose and lessons but one that is now gone away.
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Hubbie and I
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