Rev. Crystal's Full Moon Blessings

I knew that this moment would forever change my life. I got that phone call and it was in that moment that I realized life would never be the same, much like when I got that phone call in 1996 or when I saw her in 2001. I always knew that life was full of the unexpected, the events that build character and stories to write about but not like this, not now and definatly not her.

My mother has always been the soul behind my life. She has been the one constant in a sea of chaos within this world that always has been the source of so much of my pain. Watching her on the bed with her swollen face, burned skin and lifeless body; I realize that once again my life is about to forever change.

My son's face tells the story of the painful event; one full of fear and terror. With swollen eyes and dripping tears he says to me, "when I saw her, it was like my heart broke into a million pieces and fell to my stomach". I looked into the eyes of this broken hero standing before me; feeling guilty in the knowledge that I was grateful he saved my mother's life despite the trauma it has caused him. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his head, knowing the memory of that moment would forever change his life.

How do you tell a hero that the pictures in his head that continue to cause so much pain is a story of bravery, the markings of a true warrior? The images don't fade after everyone forgets and walks away. The imaginary memories I hold of my mom's suffering will forever haunt my thoughts but my son's memories are real and etched into his mind, holding that moment like a bookmark in time; constantly reminding him of how everything in his world was now different; tarnished and forever changed.

The days blend into one another and the clock continues to tick without realization of it's impact. Every moment that passes holds a delicate hope, a wishful conclusion, a dream. I sit in the purple chair within the white sterile room with green gloves on my hands dreaming of a time when I might hear her voice, hold her in my arms or kiss her face. Looking over her body I just see pain and sadness; eyes that cannot focus on my face, a mouth that cannot smile, tubes that prevent her from speaking my name and a wrinkle in her forehead that shows her worry and fear. As the tears leak from her confused eyes I know she is afraid and must be thinking about how one moment, one task, one meal, one shirt, one day, one moment, one action.... has drastically changed her life.

What do you say when you can't take away the pain, remove the fear, wind back the clock or step into her shoes to relieve her from this moment? I can say nothing. I can do nothing. I can only hope that the next moment is her choice, that she can chose to forever change her life again …...and live.