Rev. Crystal's Full Moon Blessings

So on the day before the New Years I pulled my usual two Goddess cards for the day to reflect on. Interestingly today I pulled the Butterfly Maiden and Freyja.

Here is what the butterfly Maiden says “You are experiencing enormous change right now, which brings great blessings.” Her card talks of transformation, “don’t be concerned about the endings because they’re bringing in the new for you. Let go of the old. Don’t worry about these changes – they’re truly for the best”.

Freyja’s card says “Unleash your adventurous side! Take risks and be daring.” Her card talks about not playing it safe, being bold, taking risks and making a bold life change.

So here ya go. This is what I want and NEED to leave behind going into the New Year. Names are not necessary. Let this message get to the universe and aid in being able to finally close that door and walk forward.

You hurt me but I love you. You abandoned me and I don’t understand but I don’t have to. I honor what you gave me and the hard lessons you have taught me, I am stronger.

At first I thought I would never trust people as much as I trusted you guys but now I know that isn’t true. Instead I have learned how to love more and know that sometimes when we love people we have to release them. Both of you taught me how to release and I value that lesson.

I will love harder, be a better friend, hug more, laugh more, release when I need to and enjoy this moment in ways I couldn’t before. Because today I am moving to a place you can’t go and that is my own raised vibration of spiritual being that has been enhanced by your lessons.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I release you. I release you. I release you both.

I am in current negotiations (for lack of a better term) to do some work in a new metaphysical shop in the area. Looks like I will be doing tarot readings, doing workshops and helping to coordinate the schedule for the shop.

I am really excited at this potential opportunity and will keep you posted when things are firmed up a little.

Blessed Yule everyone. I want to first start this blog by saying I am grateful for the family and friends that I have. I have so much abundance in my life and I try to remember everyday to be grateful for those things. Sometimes it is easier to remember my blessings than others but I am not one of those people that believes that the holiday season is a time to be nice. I believe that everyday is as important and the other and everyday is full of magic and blessings.

I got some awesome presents this year including lots of clothes and DVD's that I have wanted, including the new Harry and the final season of Charmed.

Within the last several weeks I have been on Yule and holiday overload. I have attended or hosted 6 rituals since the 9th of December, 3 in the last week.

I can honestly say that I have felt more of a solid connection to my tradition the more that I am in ritual space. Interestingly enough, Yule is not one of my favorite of Holy days but the Goddess obviously has another plan for me, even if I don't know what it is yet. I distinctly have felt like the Goddess is trying to orient me for being able to let go of my biases for this Sabbat and to be able to feel ok during the dark half. (for those who know me, you know that the dark half of the year is always super hard for me).

Since going thru all of the rituals, traditions and practices of this season, although it was one of the nicest Holiday seasons for me, I am glad it is over. AND on to the coming of the new year, 2008.

Thank the Goddess.

My Goddess Guidance Oracle card today is Brigit, "Don't back down". It says, Be assertive, don't worry about what others think, trust that your actions will work out fine, Speak your truth, stick to your opinions, put your foot down.

Ok, so I am sitting here on my lunch break thinking, that is what I am going to do today. I am going to make sure to speak my truth and not allow others to silence it. I am tired of feeling like speaking my truth will cause problems because others are unable to respect the viewpoints of others. Today I will speak my truth. And I am going to find a way to do that in those situations that I have worked hard to pull back on.

I am grateful for:
Life and health. For the most part I am healthy and able to enjoy
life in ways that others can't
My family. I am grateful everyday that I am able to have them in my life.
My husband. I know I am lucky to have found him and have him support
me in every way.
A job. Even though I am struggling with this, I am grateful to still
have a job and be making enough money to live a wonderful life.
My home. Jon and I have been talking a lot about his job and some of
the homeless situations he deals with and I am so grateful to have
what I do.
The Coven. No matter what I am soooo grateful for the sisters in the
coven and being able to have such solid connections with others of
this faith.
This tradition. I am so grateful that Jody and I decided to kick
start it and that now there are others to help develop and carry this
tradition on.
My spirituality. Without this I am just a shell.
Friends. I am grateful to have a support base and people to share my
life with.
The present. I am so grateful that I understand that no matter what
has happened in the past, I only have the present. And it I honor the
present, I can create the future.

Life is amazing, isn't it? There has been a series of recent incidents that have really stretched me and made me think outside of the normal box for me.

More recent incidents have really pushed me to not being able to deny the power of my own intuition. Many times I have thoughts and dismiss them quickly afterwards. But amazingly most of those "thoughts" are then confirmed and I am left thinking "why didn't I listen to myself before" or "I saw this coming". It is like the ultimate Godsmack, don't you just love that.

So, this year has been the year of so much change that it is hard to keep up with sometimes. I know that this year has made me stronger and given me more resources to cope with life and support others with life.....so I guess it is worth it in the end.

If my lessons can help me give to someone else then they are very valuable to me. It will also help to prepare me for future situations where I have to rely on either my knowledge of life or my instincts or intuition.

I am excited for the new year to come. I welcome a change in energy that will allow myself and those whom I care about to stabilize with the energy of the coming year. With a time period packed full of lessons, many of them the hard kind, a period of rest and reprieve is necessary. I feel like 2008 is going to be that year that brings about some rest and some much needed new beginnings for many people. 2008 will bring about the year of 10, or more commonly 1 (depending on the number system you use) which has a lot to do with rebirth. So still more active then balance but in the upward motion of creating the balance from this year.

I am looking forward to it. I am grateful for it. I know that I had to go through the lessons of this year to get to where I needed to go but I am glad it is coming to a end. I am ready to move past completion and onto renewal. I hope that everyone is able to get what they need out of the changes and energies this year. I hope everyone is actively working towards finding their center.

Blessed Be.

Life has been crazy and kicking my butt since the last time I have blogged. I do plan on doing some catch up blogging but have been busy trying to acclimate myself to a new job, working with my students, coven issues and family issues. I am glad that thanksgiving is over because it means we are that much closer to the end of the year.

I am preparing for the coming Solstice and Holiday. Whew, holidays are always stressful for me so I am always relieved when they are over.

Now that today is the last day for writing in Nanowrimo I will have more time to blog and catch everyone up.

Bear with me.
Blessings!

Thought I would chat about the transition of my job and adjusting to life. I will be transitioning out of one division and into another at the beginning of next month and it has been a super emotional trip to close the division that I have worked in for almost 8 months. I guess I didn't expect it to be as hard as it is.

I don't want to go into the details too much because at this point it is besides the point. The real point is that I have to adjust to what is happening regardless. Hasn't that been the huge lesson this year, taking the lessons of life and moving forward?

So I am preparing for the coming change. The weekend in the redwoods did me well because I got the chance to breath strong earth energy and cleaner air energy for 3 days solid. I was able to find my center and sit with it for three days without interruptions from the internet or cell phone. It did me good.

So I am on a rebirth of spiritual energy and motivation. I am an initiates of the Eleusinian mysteries, a believer of the redwoods and a student of the universe, so mote it be.

I wanted to share this journal entry from my camping trip to the redwoods.

10/6/07

I woke this morning from a long night in the cold, tired yet refreshed, home sick yet not ready to leave.

After several times of waking and falling back to sleep, I finally rose to the challenge of another day in the wilderness of the redwoods.

Sounds of laughter and community met my ears that promised love outside of my tent. I opened myself to the energy of the promise and found that piece of myself that commanded me to rise.

The moment of the coldness in the breath of the Goddess hit me like a hard reminder of my journey and the sleeping bag beckoned me to come back to safety where I can hide within myself. A thought passed that questioned whether I should stay here until tomorrow but I knew that my energy was moving outside of that tent, connecting to the wild pulse of the trees and this tent was too small to contain it.

With one foot in front of another I walk towards the embrace of the community waiting for me, and with silent kisses and energetic hugs they greet me by the fire.

With coffee in hand I sit inside the circle and greet the fire from the pit. "Oh great fire of the south, I am greeted by your warmth and embraced with your love. Oh great water of the west, I sip the warth of your liquid love and it runs thru me and reaches my core. Oh great earth of the north who greets me in her home among her redwoods and her children. Oh great air of the east, forever granting me with clarity and knowledge. You have not forsaken me and have come to open my mind."

Sitting here among the voices of my pagan brothers and sisters who are raising voices to the universe in all it's glory...I know I am alive. I am breathing and I can feel my soul. I can see the blessing in front of me and I can taste my future.

I hear you aging mother of the harvest. I hear you dying father of the coming winter. I hear you.

And the Water Said....By Ifalade Ta'Shia Asanti

A Poem For the 2005 Hurricane Katrina Survivors

All Rights Reserved @August 2005





And the water said, "listen!"

I am coming to show you truth

I am coming to shake the grains of sands beneath you

Show you that which is hidden but in plain view

And the water told us why she had come--

I have come to stroke the skin tones of America

To comb the roots of racism

Expose the scalp of discrimination

Make it bare like the parts of newly plaited hair

"Can you hear me," the water asked?

I'm here to purify these nations

To wash the streets clean of their denial

To reveal faulty foundations and forked tongues

And I shall not be ignored

And her rain created cities of tears

Waves of brutal reality

Demanding transformation

Commanding our world undone

She woke us early

When the white house phone line was busy

About a quarter to one she woke us

Before our comfort arrived in monthly envelopes

Made us remember the unity of a million maafas

Showed us how genocides join sons

She carried our vision to rooftops

Where the shepherd revoked our salvation

FEMA dollars transformed into tombstones

Homeland Security became a funeral home

And the water returned to her garden

An ailing levee beckoned her backwards

Back to the streets

Back to our homes

She wasn't sure we had remembered

She was sure that we had forgotten

And the water rose

She embraced our memories

Ran up our steps to our doorbells

She knocked but we didn't answer

She stretched higher and higher

Found us waiting in the sunlight

Waving to strangers in electronic birds

Whose wings made us invisible beneath the sleeping sun

Do you remember now she asked?

Do you remember Rwanda & Benin?

Do you remember the captive passage?

And she beckons us to forward

To new land

Under new realities

She calls us to independence

Not theirs, but our own

She turns our eyes inward

She moves our hands together


And the water said: "seek one another!"

Hear as you've never heard

Understand how you've never understood

I am parting my tide for your safe journey

So you may discover what I already know

You have survived

Let this message wash your ears alive

I am here with your salvation

I have delivered it on the words flowing from my tongue

And She retreated from their doorsteps and porches

Let the son return

She sent them into the wilderness

With prayers already done

Daughters of the ocean

Sons of the storm

Our God has not forsaken you

But come to reshape your love..

Isn’t it interesting how we always try to control those circumstances in our lives that are seemingly outside of our control to start with? Whether it is the job, family issues, friends, etc.

For me it is all of the above and the need to have everything ok. I want desperately to make good choices that will make everyone’s lives good, including my own. I think one of the things I am learning this year is that sometimes those things are not within my reach, nor are they my job or my business.

I have to learn how to let go and let the Gods (like they say in AA but without the “s” on God, LOL)

I am learning to remember that everyone has a path and every path has a process, including mine. So with that in mind, how am I suppose to know if this thing I consider to be a “road block” is an important part of building my future path? I don’t know that either way. And I forget to have faith in the hardest of situations.

So today I am trying desperately to hold onto the faith that I have and allow the universe, God and Goddess to do their job. I am learning to step back and be ok with not having the answers for the future, allowing the future to happen the way that my elders see fit.

This is hard but I know it is a necessary part of my growth spiritually and as a human being. Wish me luck, LOL!

I didn’t know what to expect on my labyrinth experience for I have never done it before. Obsidian, Ariana and I went into a corner on the side of the labyrinth and blessed each other with meditation oils and then we headed for the opening.

There were several things that happened in the beginning of my walking meditation that became very profound in my meditation. As soon as I began walking the maze my lower back began to hurt. I was surprised by this and couldn’t understand why it was hurting.

As I was walking it was hard for me to focus my thoughts in the beginning. The beautiful live music was playing, candles were lit and the repetitive sound of stomping feet helped me begin the process of moving deeper into my meditative self.

I noticed as I was walking how much anxiety I had around going thru the maze, feeling scared that I would fall off the trail and mess everything up. I had this feeling like if I fell off the trail and messed up that I would be responsible for messing up everyone else’s path. I had a lot of anxiety over parts of the labyrinth that were harder to see, like I could not see the path clearly and didn’t know where I was going.

Walking the maze was hard, my back was still hurting and I was tired. Every time I thought we were at the end another curve would come and take me away from the middle, the prize. And finally I made it to the middle.

I felt such a sense of relief and accomplishment. We got to the middle; hugged each other and then I sat on the rock. I was thinking, “Whew, that was hard”. And then I had this realization that I had to go back and do it all over again to get out. It was at that moment that everything came into view. I understood what this meant and how it applied to my life.

It was showing me that I have to work hard and it is painful but it doesn’t stop. Once I finally reach the destination I can rest and regroup. I can revel in the accomplishment but then I have to get ready to get back into the fight. I don’t get to stay at the rock.

As that realization hit me I started to cry. I started to understand that my journey is in the journey. My lessons will come from the journey and not from the accomplishment. So who am I to think I have the answers or know what to expect when that is not in my control. What IS in my control is my ability to move forward and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

What also made sense to me was that I get focused on the outcome and don’t stay present in the journey. Instead of walking the maze and allowing myself to turn the corners with ease, I was trying to rush to the middle and would lose my balance. And just like in life I lose my balance with the twists and turns.

So I geared myself up, sat with my coven sisters and cried, then got up and started my journey again. This time I took my time coming out. I didn’t walk slower but I did take my time around the corners. My back didn’t hurt and I was able to enjoy the journey a little more. I got out of the labyrinth and felt that sense of excitement and joy once again but I knew that my journey had only just begun.

I sat with my husband tonight and we meditated for hours on our porch with the incense burning and music playing. It was interesting because when we were driving home I noticed the smell of fall in the air and the crispness of the air. But I felt such a heaviness on my chest, a sadness. As we were driving in the traffic we passed a overpass that had a ton of flags hanging and people standing there waving at the traffic. I knew in that moment the energy I was feeling was the residual energy of what many people were feeling and thinking about today. 9/11.

So tonight when I sat on the patio and allowed the elements to wash over and ground me, I knew the connection that I had with the divine energy was very strong in this moment. I could feel the collective energy of the community, I could feel my husbands energy, I felt the power of the earth/air/fire/water, and I harnessed the spirit within me. Interesting how in one moment I felt so connected to everything and to everyone.

It was also interesting that during the meditation, there was times when I could feel myself expanding my energy. Does that make sense....like pushing my energy field beyond that of my aura. Something I will continue to work with....

Blessings of new beginning, new power and the new moon to all.

Multicolored Momma
From the book Jambalaya by Luisah Teish (I strongly recommend)


My sweet coffee skin
Hold secrets in its shade,
Whispers silent warning
To a black and white world

Do not box me in
In your narrow racial jackets,
Too tight to move in,
Too thin to wear.

My brown pores bleed
With the sweat of many nations,
Generations of colors
Ooze down my arm.

My Bantu behind
Plays the drums of dancing griots,
Telling stories with my sway
Singing songs with each step.

My high Choctaw cheekbones
Love the Mississippi Delta.
Remembers Running Cloud’s daughter
And the Red Man gone.


My breast angle ‘round
Like the dark gypsy wenches.
Crescent moons touch my belly
Silver slithers on my throat.

My almond eyes sparkle
To the sound of Eastern jingles
Glass chimes dress my eyelids
Tinkling bells kiss my brow.

My dirty red hair
Speaks of crazy Cajun cousins,
Talks of faire Creole ladies
And their dark Spanish men.

My Tibetan thighs open
And the Red Sea splits.
My soft lips part
Between Dahomey and Brazil.

My sweet coffee skin
Holds secrets in its shade,
Whispers silent warnings
To a black and white world.

I will not wear
Your narrow racial jackets
As the blood of many nations
Runs sweetly thru my veins.

Finding words to express the frustration and anger I feel for the people of New Orleans is hard. I knew from the beginning of this trip that I wanted to see and experience the real New Orleans and not the tourist trap of the French quarter that everyone uses to represent the city. And in reality the quarter is a small part of a large community called New Orleans.

Growing up as a minority, specifically a black girl, we are raised and accustom to the concept of family and community going beyond bloodlines. So when I look at the devastation of a community like NOLA it is like watching my family suffer. I am not separate from that of the black community.

So in turn I found my continued frustration mounting as I watched people coming into the city, partying or vacationing in the French quarter while the people of New Orleans were living in trailers and run down buildings. I rode around with Jody and got to see what the people of New Orleans have to deal with on a daily basis and it felt like a crime to come into their city and not honor them by coming into their neighborhoods and supporting their local stores.

The conditions they have to live in are depressing and down right devastating but how could I ignore them? How could I act like my money is too good to be spent in their poor towns? How could I act like my partying or shopping in the French Quarter was supporting the families of New Orleans when in reality that is just selfish and self serving. Let’s be honest here. Being in the French Quarter, eating their food and drinking do not constitute supporting the families of New Orleans. It is not a selfless act.

I can not help all the families of New Orleans, even if my heart wants to. But what I could do was show some respect to them which is a lot more than they have received from the tourists and their own government. I could go to their neighborhoods, smile at them, buy coffee in a local shop and take the wool off of my eyes. Those people deserve the world to see how they have to live. They are not monkeys that tap dance in front of the tourists who throw money at them to survive. Or better yet, maybe they are. And who is responsible for that? I sure as hell will not be.

I made a pact with myself that I would not do to them what the world has done to them. I will not turn a blind eye to their community because it is too ugly to see right now. While people are coming in airplanes to party in one of the poorest cities with the highest crime rates in the United States, there are people who cannot afford to live.

A man working at the airport was telling us how his mortgage is 1050.00 a month for his 1300 sq. foot house. And after Katrina his payment raised to 1700.00 plus because of insurance. He talked about how the government has a clause that prevents interference into insurance matters in Louisiana. So they are stuck without a paddle and while cost of living goes up, the living wage stays the same.

On the flight home I sat next to this sweet boy, probably about 10 years old, who was flying home to his mom in Atlanta. Well, this was his new home because he was originally from New Orleans and was relocated after Katrina. He talked about wanting to go back home to NOLA but couldn’t afford it and there was nothing to go back to. Wow!!! And we have the nerve to think that everything is back to normal when there are still families displaced.

So next time you decide to take a trip to New Orleans, don’t shit on the locals by pretending that Katrina didn’t happen. Don’t turn your head from the devastation they see every morning when leaving their bed. Show them the respect that they deserve. Eat at their local restaurants, shop in their stores, smile and say good morning to them. Show them that we still remember what happened and we know they are still suffering.

And the Saga continues onto day two. We are up at 8am (6am California time and I am exhausted) and we are showered and out of the hotel to get to a café with free wifi. We are sipping our morning coffee drinks while Jody is making phone calls from the list and searching the internet. To make a long story short we did the following things within a very short period of time:

Walked and boarded Karma at the local vet
Café, phone calls and internet search
Set appt with real-estate agent
Searched and canvassed the neighborhood of this new apartment
Went into the apartment (door open) and looked around
Met with agent
Signed lease and got keys to the new place
Drove into downtown and ate lunch (Mother’s po boy sandwich)

All before 3:00!!!! Who said witches can’t make things happen…………

Being on the natural high of accomplishment, we did some shopping, more planning, eating (some of the best friend chicken and baked mac and cheese) and even went to see Jamil play some jazz at a local bar.

Saturday we kicked butt, woke up early and had beignets and frozen café ole’s. We managed to get shopping at Walmart, buy a new bed, eat a soul food lunch, get the bed delivered, more shopping and a dinner at the Gumbo shop. Things seemed to be calming down and although they were busy, things were ok.

Sunday we wake up early again, go to breakfast at Brennen’s and I had the best banana’s foster ever!! We decided to walk and get the car to park it closer to the hotel to load and while we were walking Jody told me about her dream that the car was towed.

Yup!!! You guessed it. We walked for about 15 minutes or so just to turn the corner and see an empty space where we left the car!!! The freakin car was towed.

We got back to the hotel, got a ride to the “pound” where they kept the car. About an hour later and 120.00 spent on fees, we were back at the hotel and loading up our luggage. From there the rush was on to complete everything and get the car returned and me back to the airport on time.

We made it. And I must say, this weekend was insane and stressful but nothing compared to saying goodbye to my sister. That was one of the hardest things I think I have had to do. I turned my face as I walked past the lady who checked my ID to attempt to hide my face for fear of making Jody more upset. (I don’t know if that worked)

I got thru the security and waved another hand at my friend that I love so much. Happy, sad, excited to go home and heartbroken all at the same time, I walked until I couldn’t see her anymore. I called Jon, did a little more shopping and boarded the plane for a safe flight home.

I am going to do several blogs regarding the experience of the last weekend in New Orleans. I decided to do that so that one blog would not be too long and therefore not scare people away from reading them, LOL.

For those who may not know, I went to New Orleans with one of my closest friends who was moving there. This has been a long and hard lead up to this trip that would bring closure to this move that has been a long time in the making.

We flew out of the Oakland Airport Thursday morning at 8:00am. We flew into Los Angeles and caught our connecting flight to New Orleans. This process went smooth and without a hitch but after this point in the trip almost nothing went as planned.

We got off the plane and went to get the rental car. That was a nightmare and after struggling with the bank and the change in costs for the vehicle, we decided to rent the car for the next four days and return it when I flew home Sunday. From the airport we went to Jody’s new apartment in New Orleans.

As we got off the freeway and drove further into the neighborhood, with every turn we took the atmosphere continued to change drastically. The further we drove, the more “in the hood” we got. Looking around we saw people standing on the corner drinking alcohol, drug deals right in front of us, tennis shoes hanging on the telephone wires, a kid riding down the street on a bike with no shoes on, abandon building all around us and the projects were 2 blocks away.

I was in total shock and afraid to speak what was on my mind for fear of upsetting Jody and insulting her new place where she had a new lease, so I kept mostly quiet. After meeting the landlord and leaving we were driving away and there were two guys (obviously high on what I would assume was crack) standing in the middle of the street. I think this is the thing that took the cake. We got several blocks away and Jody finally spoke. And her words were “Crystal, I can’t breath. I can’t live there”.

And from there the conversation began. We knew we had just entered the infamous “hoods” of New Orleans that are known for some of the highest murder and death stats in the United States. We knew that this was one of the worst situations we could be in at this very moment.

We drove to the hotel, got inside our room and low and behold the air conditioner was broken. After finding the number and calling the hotel owner we then sat there and waited in the terrible heat until he could come and fix the air. At about 9:30pm we had air and just enough energy to walk and get dinner.

Of course all the restaurants were closing and unable to serve us so we walked back to the hotel and got a cheeseburger across the street. Sitting in the burger shop we began talking to the two waiters and asking about apartments. Jody told them she thinks she rented an apt in a not so good area. One of the guys asked, “How far is it from Orleans Ave”. Jody told them 2 blocks and both guys said “Oh hunny that is the hood!!!” Needless to say, that was the confirmation we needed but was hoping wasn’t true.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of tears, hysterical laughter, brain storming, hugging, phone calls, holding hands, prayers………………until we fell asleep.

And this was my first night in New Orleans. What a welcome.……………………….. hot, hungry, sad, scared and trying to reassure my newly homeless and discouraged friend that I love dearly.

So many things have happened since I last blogged. I have been feeling a little unmotivated to blog or even update the podcast. As things are slowing down some I am working hard to get back on track with those things.

It has been a year of trials, rewards, surprises and grief. This week marks a very important end to a phase of my life. Jody and I fly out to New Orleans tomorrow and on Sunday I will leave her there and fly home alone. It has been a long countdown and one full of conflicting feelings and anxiety. I am excited to go with her, anxious to leave without her. But I am confident that the universe is working in our lives and we have to keep walking despite the confusion at times.

Several special things have happened in my life as well. Robert joined Spiral Scouts and we are having a good time being involved in meeting new Pagan families and giving him a forum to learn. That was something I have thought of off and on for the past several years and was excited that a local chapter opened.

Also, July 14th I recieved my green cord from the DSM tradition and was initiated to 3rd degree. I haven't really shared that with anyone since it happened for various reasons but feel like it is important to be able to share. I have not officially gotten my 3rd degree from FWTI yet and awaiting the opportunity to figure out the travel plans that will allow the official ceremony. I am hoping to do that this year sometime, if finances permit.

I also was blessed to be a part of watching three people attain thier 2nd degree initiations. That was such a rewarding and humbling experience. I guess it was interesting to watch others walk that journey with me to attaining degrees and feeling so happy and excited for thier accomplishments. And then I thought, how come I can't be happy and excited for mine? Hmmm, I am still pondering that thought.

Working towards my goals have always been so bitter sweet. I have experienced a lot of things in the almost 5 years of studying for my 3rd degree from others that I didn't expect and in turn got hurt or saddened by. The whole "crabs in a barrel, pulling eachother down" applies so much in this path.

I love being able to see others work hard and accomplish thier goals because it helps me remember what I am doing and why. And that is such a spiritual experience and a lesson to not allow others insecurities to make me question my own excitement.

So today I am living in the present and riding the surf board in the ocean of change. The waters are a little rough right now but every wave that I ride gives me a sense of completion and hope.

Until next time, "Hang loose dude". Or better yet, Blessed Be.

The year of 9, completion

So many things are happening in this year of 2007. It is interesting because it is the year of 9 in numerology and 9 is the number of completion. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, not sure where it is taking me but sure it is taking me somewhere.

There has been a combination of strides and losses this year so far on the quest of completion. We have moved (again), one of my best friends and spiritual sister is moving, loss of two people I cared a lot about and felt were my friends, promotion to director after a bumpy road, upcoming completion of 3rd degree, Jon got a new job with lots of promise, grandson was born, niece was born and the list goes on.

This year has been full of in your face realizations that have made me have to stop and re-evaluate myself and my place in the world. My spiritual mentor Dia has said a lot of things thru this transition and recently had a conversation with me about having to figure out my place and responsibilities as a 3rd degree High Priestess. At the time she was talking about something specific but I have sat with that thought since our conversation last week. Mainly because I never look at myself that way. I don’t look at myself as a 3rd degree, etc but also because I realized that I don’t know how to do that. And I think that is one of the reasons why the year of the 9 has been so life changing and powerful for me. It is time to change.

I am scared to death of what that means. I don’t know where this road is heading. But I do know that the time has come where all my work over the years is ready to be put into place. I think this year is meant to be a shedding of my old self and transition into the new. The universe is reminding me, thru all of my fears, that this path is mine and I must walk it. And although I will have people who love me and are here for me, I must walk it alone and find my destiny.

I think it is trying to help me find another way of looking at the people and things in my life and also to finding my own power. I need to come to the realization that my power is in me. I need to stop being afraid of it inorder to embrace my destiny.

Whew, even saying that brings up fear for me. But I do know what I need to do. And whether I like it or not, 2007 is the year to do it. And the universe is pushing hard.

Believe it or not, I got to see two of the most incredible singers in one month. And once again, Jody was awesome enough to take me with her.

Lisa Gerrard sang at the Palace of Fine arts in San Francisco. We got there and the venue was gorgeous outside. We got inside and saw the stage and it was so elegant. There was this soft white material draped on the stage. She came out, escourted by someone. She was in this beautiful blue dress and stood on the stage. She didn't say a word and just started singing some of the most beautiful words I had ever heard. (although I couldn't understand what they were saying)

She sang that way without talking thru any of the songs. She changed halfway thru the set into a beautiful white dress and continued to bellow out some of the purest sounds I have ever heard.

She didn't speak one word until the end of the show when she thanked her assistant and thanked the audience.

She had such a mysterious quality about her that intrigued me to want to know more about her story.

Another beautiful and spiritual night of live music. Thank you Jody.
Blessings.

I went to see Loreena at the Paramount with Jody (my birthday treat) and she was incredible!! I wasn't sure what to expect, all I knew was that I have loved her music for a couple of years now and never expected another album. And when I got the notice that An Ancient Muse was coming out, I was shocked. And when Jody told me she was coming out to Oakland for concert, I was further shocked.

The paramout was packed with people there for the same reason. She was beautiful and sang like an angel. I turned around and told Jody that this was like having a 2 and 1/2 hour spiritual experience. She was incredible.....words cannot describe.

She danced and sang and talked about the history of the celts and her travels that inspired each song. I was amazed by her stories and her travels.

Absolutely one of the best experiences of my life.

I am on the tale end of the 3rd degree studies and I am finding that I am not struggling with the work but instead struggling with my emotions around it.

So as you know or have read, I recently went through a situation with some "friends" who are no longer a part of my life. And with this crew many of the "issues" revolved around thier impressions that I was full of myself and fighting for power. Neither of which is true and I do understand that thier issues with me really have little to do with me and more to do with what they don't like when they look in the mirror. But never the less, these were the reasons used to portray me as someone I am not.

When doing work with my mentor around why I am stuck and sitting in this place where I just haven't finished my third degree requirements, I came to a good conclusion that it is situations like this that make it harder for me complete. I have created this core belief in my head that when I am successful at something, people will be upset with me.

I have less than a weeks worth of assignments to do and can't finish because I am afraid someone else will be upset with me for accomplishing my goals. Sounds ridiculous and sometimes core beliefs are.

I know that I only have myself to prove anything to. And I also know that it takes an extremely insecure person to be offended by another's accomplishments. And I don't care about the feelings of those who are not my friends anymore. So it is just a matter of removing those core beliefs that no longer serve me so that I may continue to grow.

Dia is hopefully coming out here late summer to do my initiation. I can't wait.

We moved in on April 7th. It is a nice home and we are all comfortable in it. Throughout all the stress and worry, we found a nice place that suites our family better than the one we just moved from.

So after a month in the new home, business is back to normal. We are all settled in and have even mowed the lawn twice. Robert is enjoying the backyard the most and loves to use his scooter on the back covered patio. My mom is enjoying the fact that it is one level and she isn't going up steps anymore. But she is still getting exercise by walking the length of the house since it is long and on a double lot.

I think the Jon, Kevin and I are just enjoying the fact that there is a family room with a seperate space for privacy.

The universe, Lord and Lady heard our prayers and answered. We were able to get enough money from various sources to pay for everything we needed. Including getting a lot of our security deposit back from the other house when it felt like the landlord was set on finding ways to keep our money. In the end, he was fair.

And once again we are renewed in our faith in spirit and in the power of manifestation.

I had the pleasure of meeting the author Kim Harrison tonight. She was great. She came to the Barnes and Nobles in Oakland as a part of her tour for the new book. She read a part of the new book to the audience and then did a question and answer session. She had a great sense of humor and was really down to earth.

I got some great pics of her and my book signed. I am excited to read the new book!

Thanks Kim!!
Blessed Be!!!!

I always find it interesting that people try to fight for power when there is no fight. I have come across these types of people who have a feeling of inferiority when around others who are outspoken or who are take charge people.

I would like to say to people like this, get over yourself. Other people are not doing things to challenge your place in the world. Sometimes people are just who they are and it is really your issue (not thiers) that you feel threatened by them.

It is actually sad and funny at the same time. I think my personality and drive to get things done seem to attract these kinds of people and then inevidably creates tension that is unwarranted.

Fortunatley I get that and I am not in the business of finding power by creating struggles with others. I am grateful that I do not feel the need to discover my own self worth by standing on the feet of others.

I wish everyone could find that within themselves and stop looking for your worth as a person or a leader through the eyes of another. If you need that kind of validation from others in order to be an upstanding leader, you will never make it. Good luck and Blessed be.

I had an incredible experience at Pantheacon on Saturday. Mica and Ariana came and picked me up at about 7:20 in the morning and we were on the way to pick up Jade and her friend. We arrived at the Double Tree hotel at about 8:20AM and parked and checked into the festival.

Being the witches that we are, we had already picked out and organized what we were going to participate in at the festival and that was a process in itself. With 13 choices to pick from in the 9:00AM timeslot, we felt it was necessary to do before hand. So, we already knew we were going to a ritual in the morning for awakening the self with the CAYA coven.

I have met the leader of this coven a couple of times and she is wonderful in my memory of her. And when we went into the ritual room, she was more incredible than I had remembered and that is saying a lot. The ritual was memorable for me. She was beautiful with such grace and presence. She sang with the most beautiful voice and it was so moving for me.

There was a part of the ritual where we were opening ourselves to ourselves and receiving whatever we needed, and the drum was playing in the background and we began to sing this beautiful song. I found myself sobbing and was quite taken aback from it in the beginning. There was something so profound within the ritual that was exactly what I needed in that very moment and asking for the way to be open to me. I realize it was a much needed cry and one that was full of gratitude and love for the beauty of this path that I have found in Paganism.

After the ritual and many tears later, I thanked her for her gifts. And we were off to our next amazing journey in the land of Pantheacon.

So our next seminar was with the beautiful soul called Christopher Penczak on the topic of Invocation, channeling and the oracular mysteries. And I can honestly say he was such a dynamic, down to earth and brilliant presenter. I am not sure how else to describe how great he was. I was so fascinated by not just the topic but his delivery and was unable to take effective notes, LOL!!

At the end of the session he guided us through a meditation to go into trance and speak with the gate keeper and possibly make contact with a spirit or deity to possibly build a relationship with for future invocation work.

I had one of the most interesting meditation experiences I have ever had. Several things presented themselves to me that had a lot of symbolism. The tree I visualized was huge and full of life and large bushy leaves. When walking past the stream in the meditation, a spider tangled in string, not web but man made string, was trying desperately to get to me. My gate keeper was clearly my spirit guide Halmina and she was her usual loving self. When I walked across the bridge to meet the spirit, there was no doubt that it was Cerridwen sitting in front of her cauldron. She was telling me that I needed to build my house. And then there were several flashes of a toilet that was broken. And she made reference to not being able to get rid of my waste, specifically emotional waste.

She talked about what she wanted from me was to give knowledge to others in exchange for her wisdom and guidance.

There is so much in that visualization and I knew almost immediately what a lot of it was referring to.

Before the seminar, Mr. Penczak signed a book for me. I thanked him for writing me an email once on one of my articles that he liked. I honestly didn’t expect him to remember me or anything remotely close, but wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write a personal message to someone like me regarding a piece of my soul he read via the internet. Those things are important to those like me who are just stepping out and learning to put their work out in a large medium. He immediately said, “oh yeah, Witchvox right? I remember that article, it was a good one”. I was so shocked because I hadn’t told him my name, the name of the article or where the article was. I had just said thank you and he actually remembered my work. What a nice blessing he gave to me and heprobably doesn’t even realize what it means to me.

After the seminar, Mr. Penczak let me take a picture of him, what a sweet man.

My next seminar was Margot Alder, writer of Drawing down the Moon. What a dynamic woman, full of unbelievable knowledge. She was able to talk about preparing the revision for the book after 15 years and all the new information, people, traditions and growth that the pagan community has made. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to her and all her knowledge. I was able to also get my book signed by her and a picture taken with her, which was an extra blessing.

The next seminar was on Gardenarian historical documents and information. It was an incredible and informative seminar that provided lots of information into the history of Wicca from the Gardner days.

We were so exhausted after 4 seminars that were 1 ½ hours long each that we decided to check out the vendors and then go do something we hadn’t done all day……….eat.

Of course there was lots of awesome vendors. I got my long desired amethyst runes and a Libana CD I didn’t have.

After shopping, we ended up at the Olive garden for dinner and then drove home.

What a beautiful day of exploration, community, knowledge and love. Thank the Gods for my ability to not only afford to go but also have wonderful coven sisters to go with and for having such amazing speakers to send a much needed message to my ears today.

Sometimes the challenge of life can be confusing, especially when you follow a path of the universe and try to find the mysteries as they are brought to you. I find that many times, I am trying to connect the lessons I am suppose to learn with the events that are happening in my life and sometimes there is no other connection besides the fact that life sucks sometimes. And coming to a place to "live life on life’s terms" sucks, can be confusing and it hurts.

But I also find that there are those events that are just life in motion with no rhyme or reason, and we find that we still become stronger by just walking through the turmoil that is considered life. I am always a person that looks at someone and measures my insides by their outsides and then wonder why everyone else’s life is so smooth sailing. But I continue to come to a place of understanding that life is full of trials and no matter how someone elses life looks like it is smooth; they are learning their lessons too. And most likely they are looking at another person’s life and doing the same thing by judging their lives against another.

I have found lately that the more out of control my life feels, the harder I am working to control the areas in my life that I can control. The best example of this is my house. I have been cleaning excessively lately. I think it is like measuring how my life is based on how my house looks and the messier it is, the messier I feel inside.

It gives me a pretty clean house most of the time but doesn’t really address the feelings of uncertainty that are happening inside. I think there is a certain piece of acceptance that I am struggling with understanding. Accepting that life is full of mysteries and I am not meant to understand them all. Accepting that life is painful sometimes and that it is the journey that makes my soul grows, so either way I am still moving in the right direction. It is understanding that it is not always my issue that I am forced to deal with and I have a choice not to take on other people’s baggage. I have enough of my own and I don’t have to carry someone else’s too. It is accepting that everyone has an opinion and although it is right to them, that is their truth within their world view and has very little to do with me.

I am grateful that I have learned enough in my journey to get me this far in my understanding but I know I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go.

Sometimes these things happen and they have such spiritual significance that they can’t go unnoticed. Last week I started having these interesting dreams and two stick out immediately. One dream where I found out that my husband was cheating on me with a friend. I remember feeling such a sense of betrayal from both parties. It was such a real dream that I woke up and said to my husband, "thanks for cheating on me and ruining the family". Oh course he had no idea what I was talking about until I could calm down enough to tell him of the dream.

The second dream was a couple of days later and I dreamed I was seeing a person who is really close to my heart, although I don’t see him much. Paul was in my dream and he came over to me and we hugged for a while. And he told me how much he missed me and how I will always be an important person in his life. And I remember crying in the dream because I had missed him so much. And then I noticed that he had on a hospital gown and he told me he was really sick. I remember not knowing if that meant he was dying and leaving me again.

From there the dream changed a little and we were standing, arm in arm, in front of my old friend casket. I remember sobbing in Paul’s arms and explaining that I watched him die and could never forget the look on his face. I felt such despair for the loss I was feeling that it was overwhelming.

I woke up from this dream crying and had a hard time coping all day.
How interesting that those dreams mirror the feeling of loss that are creeping into my life right now.

When the universe speaks, I will listen. I am listening now although I am not sure what lesson it is I am suppose to be learning. But I am listening………………still listening.

So I don't know if anyone else has the feeling of relief that comes at the end of the holidays but I do. I am so darned glad they are over that I don't know what to do. All the pressure, financial problems, parties, white elephant games, etc. I will just be glad to have weekends back to myself and less pressure to make the world happy.

New years was good for the most part. Spent it with family. Started off the new years with drama but thus is life. the family will be fine, like always.

A close friend's mom died this past weekend and that has made me very sad for her. Sometimes things happen and we fell so powerless in life.

I am looking forward to getting together wth the ladies to do a fullmoon ritual on Wednesday. I think we can all use it.