Rev. Crystal's Full Moon Blessings

I went today to get my first session of hypnosis and NLP (neuro linguistic programming) after much consideration and thought.  I have looked into hypnotherapy a couple of times, starting about two years ago.  What better time to do it than when things are at the most overwhelming and I have had so many things that I am working to overcome within the last year of chaos and upset.  

I am not a huge around the thought of new years resolutions and wanting to be something different at the beginning of the year.  I have the usual thought that people use that one point in the year to be different than they are instead of working all year at making necessary changes.  This year I have the same beliefs and do not feel that I need the new year in order to make some decisions about myself.  Instead I would like to enter the new year of 2011 with a clean slate, leaving behind some of the things from 2010 that it is time to release and move beyond.  

I am excited for the end of 2009.  I look back at this year and see total overhaul from the previous year and all the goals I set for myself were suddenly changed.  While most of my goals last year revolved around completing my book and finding success in that accomplishment, at the end of 2010 most of my goals revolve around finding some level of peace and serenity.  The addition of two children and the loss of my mom has changed life as I know it and the family is finding ways to settle into the new course we have been set on.

I never considered life without my mom, it was the unimaginable task and yet today I find I am living it.  Although it doesn't feel real at times, I know that I am going through the stages of loss and contemplating who I am without her now.  I remember saying to one of my therapist friends at work that I wanted to go back to being who I use to be and he told me something that was told to him by a therapist when he was dealing with grief.  He told me that I was not that person anymore because that person had a mother.  I know what that means today.

So, I have survived one of the most rewarding and horrific years of my life.  I have written, completed and saw my book be published; a dream I have had for a long time.  And I have also suffered a loss that was so heartbreaking and traumatizing for everyone in my family.  As I move into 2011 I am working hard to hold on to all those things I love about this year and allow the universe to cleanse the rest.  I hold on hard to the memory of my mother as well, the good ones, the ones she would want me to remember and not the images that I saw from the last two weeks of her life.

Maybe if I can do this then I can pull the rest of the family along to a place of healing that continues into 2011.  That is the plan and the goal.

As the growing light of the sun creeps into longer days, it is the reminder that darkness and light exist because of each other.  One does not exist without the other.  So I will use the darkness to shed light on how grateful I am for the many blessings that I have and for the ones that have not come yet.

Blessed Yule, Solstice and New Years to everyone.  May your dark times shed a beautiful light that illuminates everything that is wonderful in the world.

Today's Thanksgiving and this is a huge day for the family.  We have not yet figured out how this is going to work for us but we know that today would've been the day that we celebrated with my mom and the whole family, like we had every other year.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

10:00 am to 4:00 pm

Interfaith Center of the Presidio

 

A gathering of peoples who practice Neopagan traditions, Afro-diasporic traditions, immigrant Pagan traditions, and Indigenous spiritual traditions from the Americas and around the world.

Keynote speaker Alejandrino Quispe Mejia is a native Quechua living in Peru.  He is Director of the Global Indigenous Initiative, an association of 14 tribes in Latin America working together to preserve native traditions. In addition to being a wonderful opportunity for building relationships between all the Earth religions, the event will include a sharing of practices used in the many traditions to bless a space.

Lunch provided, $10-20 donation requested to cover costs. Co-sponsored by the Interfaith Center of the Presidio, the Lost & Endangered Religions Project, the Spirituality & the Earth CC of the United Religions Initiative, and the Northern California Local Council of the Covenant of the Goddess.  For more information & to register, contact Don at earthreligions@ancientways.com or (510) 524-2078.

The title is a direct reflection of the ups and downs of the past week.  While some things are wonderful, some things are hard and those things take a toll. I got the copies of my book this week that that was very exciting!  It is a trip to see your own book in its physical form, hold it and fan through the pages.  It feels like it became real when i got to hold the book, even though it still doesn't totally feel real.  I don't know when it will feel totally real but maybe it shouldn't feel too real, it will motivate me to continue to write.  

The book is listed on the website and appears to be ready to order. This is an exciting moment for me and I am so glad to share it with everyone else. I have been working on this book since 2008 and more concentrated in 2009 and 2010. This was one of the things my mother really wanted to see..... me achieve this goal.

It is done Mom.... wish you were here to see it.

http://www.immanion-press.com/info/book.asp?id=399&referer=Hp

It has been months.  I have taken some time to try and figure out where things in my life are headed and I still do not have a lot of the answers.  I do know more than I did before though and I am just beginning to see some of the light at the end of the tunnel; or should I say within the process of grief.  Step by step I am trying to find peace in life when so much has been lost in the last 8 months.  

I really needed this four day weekend. It was really special and awesome. Friday Jon and I spent some quality time with just Robert, went to Fuddruckers for lunch and took Robert to see the new Shrek. We had a blast and he felt really special and he should because he is. It was a wonderful present.... but it didn't stop there.

My husband spent a lot of time planning the perfect birthday for me, he did a great job! Saturday we woke up early, finished doing some cleaning and set off for our adventure. We went to Emeryville, did some shopping, ate lunch and then checked into the hotel. We chilled and had some great conversation prior to getting ready for taking BART to the city. We got there with about 20 minutes to spare and took a host of pics outside of the theatre. The play was absolutley outstanding and both of us were completely amazed. After the play we grabbed some food and went back to the hotel for a night of relaxation and fun.

The next morning we hung out in the hotel and then went to lunch at Chevy's. We had some really good conversation and spent our time talking about the future planning for the family. After lunch we went to go see Date Night at the movies prior to driving home.

It was really nice to get away and have a weekend focused on what we wanted to do. It was much needed and something we so needed to do to sustain our relationship. Not to imply that we are bad because we are not, but so much focus has gone on everyone else that we have neglected ourselves in this process.

There are a lot of things that we both know we have to do to keep our mental health in all of the chaos of 2010 and one of those things include finding time for just us. This was a valuable lesson and one I plan on making sure we can do.

Jon and I have taken on a lot of responsibility in the last months and while others play we are always working to either pay the bills or raise this family. What I remembered this weekend is that this incredible journey we have been left to pick up the pieces from entitles us to more of a break than those who have the fun without the responsibility.

Our family deserves parents and guardians who are happy and that is my mission to make it so. And in the words of Wicked.....


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Sometimes work sucks and people suck more. Interesting to me how people can take hard work as a sign of something personal against them, I will never understand that. The reoccuring ridiculousness I have dealt with at work for the last three years resurfaced this week from what seems like nothing and yet I am so tired of dealing with it. My story is not unlike others who love their jobs and yet have to deal with people who don't have the job or the others around them best interest at hand. I left work on Friday discouraged, depressed, upset, irate and frustrated. I work way to hard for that.

So Saturday at the Pagan Festival in Berkeley I attempted to shed the bullshit from the day before and have a nice day out in the sun among my spiritual people. It was nice to be out and walking around, listening to the music, seeing the people and enjoying the sights. Randomly a lady walked up to me and said, "wanna pick a tarot?". I hesitated at first but thought, "why not".

I picked out a card and she took it from my hands and smiled. She said to me that I had picked the five of swords. She discussed the battle I am dealing with where people around me seem to be going out of their way to create problems. She talked about how part of the problem is that I am right and they KNOW I am right. She discussed how I might have to just take that and know that while also trying to help them save face by basically throwing my hands up. It made so much sense. I wish I could remember everything else she said, it was right on target.

With that being said, I think I now have some more insight into how I am going to proceed with this roadblock. Thank the Gods for the lady in white with the little wider waite tarot deck.

Things are hard and will be for a long time with the grief we are coping with. Things don't always feel right and most of the time they don't. So one of the things I am trying to do is celebrate the great things since the bad things have felt so all encompassing lately.

I am very excited about finishing my article for the Pagan Writers Press call for submissions for an upcoming anthology. I am excited about submitting and hoping it will be accepted.

I got my eye's tested and new glasses, took Robert to get his eye's tested and he has new glasses, finished homework for the last week, got my first article published as the Oakland Pagan Examiner and started writing another one. I have also finished a large part of the revamp of the Touch of amethyst site that highlights my weekly tarot readings. I am trying to have the things I am doing that are positive stay on the surface so I am not just looking at what is not feeling good.

I have also been spending some quality time with Robert reading at night. We have had some fun and it has felt good just being with him.

So now I am preparing for Beltane and hopefully something with the family to celebrate. We shall see how that goes.

I think of the rain this year as a welcomed cleansing of the year so far.  So much pain and sadness this year that the mother is crying for the pain of her children.  And in her pain, her tears have the power to wash away the hurt.... to see to a renewed spring that is to come.  

Call for Writers– Shades of Faith; minority voices within Paganism

Email for inquiries and submissions: 

Megalithica Books, an imprint of Immanion Press (Stafford, U.K./Portland, OR, U.S.A) is seeking submissions for an anthology on people of color working in magical communities.  This anthology will be an opportunity to get the voices and experiences of minorities within the Pagan community out to the world and address some of the challenges, stereotyping, frustrations and the beauty of being different within the racial construct of typical Pagan or Wiccan groups. These communities include (but are not limited to) groups and individuals working in Wicca, Voodoo, Umbanda, Shaman, and other Pagan paths.

Many of the roots of Paganism have come from the lands of people of color yet the mainstreaming of Wicca has elevated images of worship and deity that connect with Celtic, Greek or Roman cultures.  This can have an exclusive effect on those who's culture or ancestry fall outside of those categories.  Interestingly enough people of color within Paganism are often walking between the worlds of their birth ancestry and culture and that of their spiritual culture.  This anthology is an opportunity to share your stories and experiences with others around being a minority in our spiritual community.

Here are some suggested topics to give you an idea of the focus of this anthology.

Your experience of integration into the Pagan community

Magical work 

Ancestor work

Integrating your birth culture with your spiritual workings

Personal experiences and thoughts around how being of color within the Pagan community was significant.
What magical work are you doing now? How do you describe it? Do you work alone, in a group, or in several settings? 

Your birth culture and spiritual workings

Stereotypes and prejudice
Being the only person of color in a coven, group or community

Sharing your culture and history with other Pagans

Cultural history

Sub-culture of African Americans, Hispanics or other minority groups within Wicca or Paganism.

Is there a sense of acceptance within the magical community you work in? Do you encounter resistance in your magical community or acceptance? 

What do you feel is needed to be more inclusive of racial diversity in Pagan communities

Rough drafts are due July 15, 2010. These drafts will be edited in a back-and-forth process with the editor. Essays should be 1500-4000 words, although if your work falls outside those limits, do submit it – we can discuss this during the editing process. Drop us an email if you are unsure whether your idea fits into the content. The sooner you start the communication process the better, as after the deadline we won't be considering additional ideas.

Essay requirements:
• Citations for all quoted, paraphrased, or otherwise unoriginal material
• Bibliography of works cited
• Prefer APA format

Do write in your voice! If you're academically inclined or trained, feel free to be as intelligent and technical as you like. If your work entirely talks in the first person about your own experience, please include this also. There is a wide range of voices, and we are interested in being as inclusive of style as possible.

Accepted contributors will receive a free copy of the anthology when it is published and additional copies sold at 40% off the cover price to contributors. All contributors will be provided with a contract upon final acceptance of their essays, not when they are accepted for editing. If your essay is not accepted for the anthology, we will tell you after the first round of edits.

The anthology will be edited by Crystal Blanton. She is the author of an upcoming pagan/occult nonfiction book called Bridging the Gap; Working Within the Dynamics of Pagan Groups and Society. She may be found online at http://www.crystalblanton.org and her email address for this anthology is crystal@crystalblanton.com .

Immanion Press is a small independent press based in the United Kingdom. Founded by author Storm Constantine, it expanded into occult nonfiction in 2004 with the publication of Taylor Ellwood's Pop Culture Magick. Today, Immanion's nonfiction line, under the Megalithica Books imprint, has a growing reputation for edgy, experimental texts on primarily intermediate and advanced pagan and occult topics. Find out more at http://www.immanion-press.com.

I am reading a book right now called Pop Culture Magick by Taylor Ellwood and there have been some interesting thoughts that I have had in this journey.  For those who do not know, my mom and I watched all the seasons of Buffy together in a short period of time.  I had always avoided watching Buffy because it seemed cheesy but one day I thought...... I wanna see.

It is so interesting how words can be the catalyst to connection or the hammer of destruction.  It is so much easier to find the words to express anger than to express fear, concern, sadness, confusion or any other emotion that can feel so vulnerable.  I am sure there are many reasons why this is like this but I think one of the main reasons from a spiritual sense is that anger responses are reactionary in nature.  When we are angry we are not filtering other information, we are responding to the anger.

So often we get into the habit of wanting things from the God and Goddess.  Things come up, a need or desire, and it is almost automatic that a call goes out to the Gods and the Universe.  It is not as automatic to think about what we are doing in exchange for the support and blessings in which we are asking for.  As we are considering all the blessings that come our way, we need to remember that the connection of all things will dictate that something else sacrifices in order to fulfill our desires.  Honoring that sacrifice can be just as important as honoring the things that we receive. 

I am in the process of grieving and needing divine support to enhance the support I am getting from my loved ones.  I have not always thought about the shifting of balance that happens when I am asking for my needs to be met by the universe.  As things continue to occur I am reminded of this factor in the balance of life and remembering that those things are just as important to me as the things I need.  The exchange that happens in the ultimate balance is praise worthy.  Our relationships with Deity are like those we have with our family and friends.  It is an exchange and nothing is free.... nothing is without sacrifice.

When we honor the Gods, lets honor the totality of the things that they encompass.  We cannot have one side without the other.  Honor the giving as you are taking and support the continuous shift within the universe.  Say a prayer for those things that are without so that you can be with.

It is important to acknowledge the feelings that you have, it is the energy that you are radiating to the universe whether you acknowledge that or not.  Going into the spring is a perfect time to pay attention to what is coming up for you and find ways to cope with those things we cannot control.  Many of us are coming out of the dark half of this past year with scars and bruises.

I have been thinking for a while of what to write and what to say.  I have resigned myself to the fact that there are no words to express what I have seen or gone through in the last month since my mother's accident.  The world as I have known it has gone away in a blaze of flames that consumed my mother's life and my sense of security.  My mother has always been my rock, she was consistent in her love for me and always supported me in finding the layers of my being.  I cannot remember a time when she told me she would disown me for my thoughts or actions.  She wanted me to find myself and be who I am, live my life with honesty and integrity.  I honor her sheer ability to pass that on to me.

I am not sure how to continue to move throughout my life without her by my side, she was such a part of me..... and I was such a part of her.    My son completed her.  It has been so strange to hear everyone's tales of how she adored me so much.  I always knew she loved me, a lot, but never all the other things.   I saw her do that over Robert and never knew that she did that to me as a child too.  She had such love.  She was so beautiful.

I am ashamed at how much I took her for granted.  She was always such s trooper that I just adapted to her being super woman.  I told her I loved her everyday but now it just doesn't seem like it was enough.  I wish I could have said it more.  I wish I could tell her thank you for every single thing she did for my family, every value she taught, every meal she cooked, every pick up from school, every diaper she changed, every page of homework she helped with, every hug she gave, every floor she mopped, every smile she smiled and every load of laundry she did.  There just isn't enough time to say enough thank yous. 

I believe in the powers of the universe to make things right and to take care of her.  I just have to believe that she is ok and that I will live to my fullest potential, that my family will live to it's fullest potential. 

May the Gods love and protect us all.

I knew that this moment would forever change my life. I got that phone call and it was in that moment that I realized life would never be the same, much like when I got that phone call in 1996 or when I saw her in 2001. I always knew that life was full of the unexpected, the events that build character and stories to write about but not like this, not now and definatly not her.

My mother has always been the soul behind my life. She has been the one constant in a sea of chaos within this world that always has been the source of so much of my pain. Watching her on the bed with her swollen face, burned skin and lifeless body; I realize that once again my life is about to forever change.

My son's face tells the story of the painful event; one full of fear and terror. With swollen eyes and dripping tears he says to me, "when I saw her, it was like my heart broke into a million pieces and fell to my stomach". I looked into the eyes of this broken hero standing before me; feeling guilty in the knowledge that I was grateful he saved my mother's life despite the trauma it has caused him. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his head, knowing the memory of that moment would forever change his life.

How do you tell a hero that the pictures in his head that continue to cause so much pain is a story of bravery, the markings of a true warrior? The images don't fade after everyone forgets and walks away. The imaginary memories I hold of my mom's suffering will forever haunt my thoughts but my son's memories are real and etched into his mind, holding that moment like a bookmark in time; constantly reminding him of how everything in his world was now different; tarnished and forever changed.

The days blend into one another and the clock continues to tick without realization of it's impact. Every moment that passes holds a delicate hope, a wishful conclusion, a dream. I sit in the purple chair within the white sterile room with green gloves on my hands dreaming of a time when I might hear her voice, hold her in my arms or kiss her face. Looking over her body I just see pain and sadness; eyes that cannot focus on my face, a mouth that cannot smile, tubes that prevent her from speaking my name and a wrinkle in her forehead that shows her worry and fear. As the tears leak from her confused eyes I know she is afraid and must be thinking about how one moment, one task, one meal, one shirt, one day, one moment, one action.... has drastically changed her life.

What do you say when you can't take away the pain, remove the fear, wind back the clock or step into her shoes to relieve her from this moment? I can say nothing. I can do nothing. I can only hope that the next moment is her choice, that she can chose to forever change her life again …...and live.

As the wheel turns and 2009 fades in the dust, 2010 shows us an open road.... another opportunity to move forward.  The road blocks of the previous year vanish and miraculously the road is clearer and the path allows for turns that were not open before. 

I am working towards setting a course for the next decade, one of abundance and love.  If I am working towards in setting my intentions then I must believe that I am the key in setting this into manifestation.  It is the simple rituals our energy performs that can set the course before we are conscious enough to know ourselves.  If I cannot believe that I have the power to set my course then my energy will continuously send out that message to the universe. 

Instead I am going to push a new energy this year that is full of possibilities and see where it may lead.  May you do the same.
Blessed Be!